Well, I guess I'm going where I'm led.
I promised myself and my God and the people who love me that this year I wouldn't force anything.
Forcing anything sucks.
It hurts, it's exhausting, it usually turns out badly.
When you think you're alone in the world you force things because you think nobody cares about you or your ideas.
You think you have to cram what you want, what you are, what you do, down peoples' throats.
This was me for a long time.
"You're probably not going to like this but I'm going to do it anyway."
Now I want to do what everyone in the room loves, and I want us to all love it together.
I want to be welcomed with open arms.
A very supportive friend and fan sends me ideas for performance opportunities.
She sent one to me yesterday that was to play for $100 for two hours at a taco bar that is an hour and a half drive from my home, no stage, set up solo in a corner and let it rip.
This friend has known that I'm in survival mode as a full time musician and writer.
But what this friend doesn't know, yet, is that I am taking my life to the next level in 2020!
This type of performance opportunity has become unthinkable for me.
I approve of myself.
I believe in the value of me, my music, my personhood, my intention, my artistry, my ten thousand hours of mastery, my love of the songs, my reverence for the effort.
I used to say it was always better to play than to stay home in my pajamas.
No longer true.
Better now to stay home, to rest, to protect my name, my vision, my psyche.
I will play when the playing will be welcomed with open arms or I won't play at all.
There it is.
Money will not dictate.
Money will not be my master.
Money will not bully me into standing out in the cold with my tip jar.
Money....as in all of God's creation...will be my friend.
I will survive, yes, and I will thrive, yes, and my artistry will flourish where it is encouraged.
Every show on my 2020 calendar will be a nourishing show for me, for the people who come to see me, for the music itself, for the venue who hosts me.
You know how much I love rock and roll fashion, Little House on the Prairie meets the Lower East Side.
My @depop shop @cyasmineh will help sustain me.
My consultations with other writers and songwriters will help sustain me.
My supporters and fans and friends will help as they've been helping.
God bless my friends and fans in Germany who are holding the torch high along the path to next August's return visit.
I've been getting lots of help from them, suggesting venues, contacting venues on my behalf, offering accommodations.
I'm going to go where I'm led.
I'm going to say "hell yes!" or I'm going to say, "No thank you."
Nothing in between.
I feel the shift.
I feel that being led is so much more beautiful than forcing your agenda on the world.
Stay home, connect to your God by your heart and your soul, then let your faith pull you forward.
I see myself wrapped in fur lap robes, cozy and warm, on a sled being pulled by a team of dogs who know the terrain and who know the safest shortest way, led by the Holy Spirit to some divine destination point on the dazzling white horizon.
Go big or stay home.