Whenever I get excited and confident I spend money.
I start getting the t shirts made.
I pay the bills all in full.
I take my daughter out for lunch.
I buy all the groceries I wish we had.
I buy the cool vintage clothes ideas I have for my new touring looks.
I just get happy and excited.
Then I see my bank account and I get scared again.
Then I revert to my old fearful ways.
I don't keep going full speed ahead.
I learned this from my mother who was very very frugal and afraid about money after my father, who was a wild man about money, lost everything in the stock market.
There's a big huge history about money in my past.
High living, love of beautiful things.
Overextending, ego maniacal spending.
Fear is my enemy, money is my rival, gratitude is the remedy and love is my survival.
Love keeps you grounded and safe.
Love keeps you tethered to God and Man.
I'm going to be brave here and try to stay positive and excited and making big moves in my career which I love in the face of the threat of financial trouble.
I've been doing a really good steady practice of paying off the debts I incurred when I left my husband, and then when my child support and alimony ended, and I still doggedly insisted on becoming a full time artist.
The mountain of debt is at least one third diminished in these past three years.
Plus I weathered the tax audit and represented myself and stayed brave and strong.
I am hitting this new season of touring with this new album, and I believe it's a metamorphosis.
So I have to do it, all of it, the way my vision is dictating to me.
God help me.