We did it!

 

Our forty-eight hour fundraiser is completed and as of this writing has gone into overtime with a total of just about $800 when the goal was $750. 

That's good because, honestly, the goal is always a bit short of what's really needed. 

You try going to New Orleans for five days including paying for the plane tickets, hotel, and all your expenses, for $750. 

There are fees taken out by the Facebook service for collecting the money as well. 

I tell you, there is no free lunch in this world......however........ 

the hostel where I've reserved my bunk for $38 a night DOES serve a FREE breakfast every morning. 

At least I'll have that one meal every day. 

I'm hoping somebody might actually want to buy me a glass of wine every now and then. 

No Uber, no Lyft, just walk the beautiful warm weather mile every morning and evening from the hostel to the conference and back. 

It's ten below zero here in Minneapolis this morning. 

I'd walk all the way to the airport in New Orleans if it's going to be sixty degrees! 

I also get to play a showcase performance on the Saturday night. 

It'll be very late...like after midnight....but what do I care? 

I'm ready for anything and everything! 

I think it's providential that I did so much spiritual work...if you don't mind me calling it that...in December and early January. 

I think it is preparing me for the New Orleans revisit. 

Yes, revisit. 

I made a music video in New Orleans a few years ago. 

You can look it up, it's for my original song "Misfits And Losers". 

It's very fun. 

I went down there under some very strange mystical crossovers and I had some very positive and some slightly negative experiences as well. 

I still had money from my divorce then and I thought I was on the road to success. 

I was very uptight then. 

I had to have everything under control. 

And of course everything went out of control because I was trying so hard to keep control. 

That was the trip that inspired the opening lines of my "High Priestess And The Renegade" album. 

"Fortune teller down in New Orleans drew the tower card you know what that means 

he said beware Doll you're bound to fall, 

and ever since that day I been falling......" 

Holy shit. 

No truer words were ever spoken. 

And now I'm returning to New Orleans. 

In a bizarre upturning twist of fate. 

This conference and the circumstances around it are an upturn. 

My bratty song "Misfits And Losers" would not be written by this woman I am today, no way. 

It's an ungrateful song. 

It's funny but it's sort of mean spirited. 

I repent. 

I'm not going there this time as the rock goddess on duty. 

I'm going there this time as a humble servant to the Holy Spirit. 

Let's see if that makes a difference in how things go. 

I'm guessing it will. 

I want to add this morning that my mother is truly frightened about my going to this conference. 

Granted, she's eighty-five. 

But I see that she has always been afraid of me doing big things. 

She loves that I got the scholarship for the screenwriting class here in St. Paul. 

That's every Monday and I think I may miss the second meeting because my flight from New Orleans gets in late on Monday night. 

She loves the class idea probably because I don't go anywhere and I sit at home and write the screenplay. 

But this real stick-your-neck-out stuff of the conference scares her. 

One thing I remember from my childhood is that I often was asked to sing solos and do performances, even at the cabin as a child, I was asked to bring my guitar to people's bonfire nights to sing for them. 

She often told me I couldn't go. 

Even if it was just walking distance from our place and she didn't even have to go with me, sometimes she would say things like, "Look at you, you're getting all puffed up with yourself. No. No, you should just stay home and read or something. They don't need my daughter to entertain them. They'll all be looking at you, getting your ego all pumped up. No, you're staying home." 

She suuuuuuucked. 

Oh my God I hated her so much when she would say stuff like that. 

But, I just want to say, that her attitude has stayed with me. 

I have a fear of successful attention like this. 

I have a fear that I'll lose control of my ego and become a monster. 

That's what she's afraid of about me. 

But, you know people, I'm gonna be sixty years old. 

If I can't keep it together now, what is the point of living? 

I have to trust myself. 

I have to believe I can do humble and kind from morning 'til night, sleeping in the upper or the lower bunk in a room with three other women I have never met before. 

I have to believe that I can go to the conference and immerse myself in the opportunities with joy and humility and meet people and learn. 

You can't bring your mean spirited jealous ugly crap to something like this. 

There's no room for, "oh she's better than me, oh she's younger than me, oh she's prettier than me....." 

There's no room for, "oh he thinks he's so great and he's being dismissive of me and now I just want to go back to the hostel and lay in my bunk and read and not go to the rest of the events...." 

There's no room for, "I shouldn't have come here, I don't fit in, I don't know anyone, nobody wants to talk to me...." 

Oh man! 

I know all these lines! 

How do I know them? 

I have been this person so many times in so many scenarios. 

But I have been lifted up on the wings of my supporters who believe in my goodness and my positive spirit and I cannot sink to these low feelings ever again. 

The Holy Spirit will accompany me. 

And I will remain humble and kind and I will believe in myself and I will be glad. 

All things are mine for I am loved, how can I keep from singing. 

I approve of myself. 

I approve of myself. 

And also, I accept every single person one hundred percent. 

Because the Holy Spirit is the Holy Spirit and you gotta serve somebody. 

Amen.

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