ups and downs

The show last night was difficult for me.

I got all dressed up in my pink tea length tutu skirt.

(photos on social media of this outfit, taken by Nina)

I drove down to the beautiful winery.

I set up my two guitars and my little PA box and my microphone.

I sang and played for three hours, taking about a five minute break at one point.

I asked if the musicians got free food at all and the manager said no so I just figured I'd keep playing.

No one, not one person, actually faced me and quietly listened to my music.

They didn't go there for that.

They went there to drink and laugh and hang out with their friends.

The closest I came to having them listen was when a table full of girls sang along to my Miley Cyrus cover song.

I'm not mad.

I'm not putting them down.

They're not bad or stupid or beneath me or unable to understand how great I am.

They are humans who stuck to their agenda and I tried to work outside of my contractual obligation.

I was hired to play for them but not to bother them.

I tried to get their attention.

That was never going to happen.

I was not going to silence the room with the beauty and profundity of my performance.

I made $350.

I play there again next month.

I'm going to dress more like the people there...like in a sweater and jeans and boots.

And I'm going to just play acoustic guitar.

And sit on a stool.

Why not?

Let's see how that works.

It'll be interesting to see if they react differently if I seem more familiar and not so different.

Other than that, the only other thing to say is that I don't use this blog to talk about my personal relationships.

I never have and I never will.

I want to say though that traveling a lot and doing what I'm doing takes a toll on those who are close to me I think.

And the relationships in my life have never been easy.

One of the reasons I like to go out on tour is that after the childhood I had I find domestic life to be a challenge.

I love all the domestic arts and Im good at cooking and decorating and sewing.

I love gardening.

I love taking care of a home.

But I'm afraid of relationships and I'm afraid of what goes on behind closed doors in people's houses, I always have been.

So I live at home with some tension about my relationships, wondering if they're right and if they're good and if they're good enough.

"Content" is not my word.

So this holiday season I will say every day that I am happy, I am prosperous, and I am content.

Amen to that.

I wish the same for you.

You are what you think.

 

2 comments

  • Josephine Lane
    Josephine Lane
    Don't you think there is Doubt in all relationships or 90% of them? Follow your heart and not your mind. Our mind is always making up story lines.

    Don't you think there is Doubt in all relationships or 90% of them? Follow your heart and not your mind. Our mind is always making up story lines.

  • Courtney Yasmineh
    Courtney Yasmineh
    Excellent point, Josephine. Follow your heart. I agree. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and support.

    Excellent point, Josephine. Follow your heart. I agree. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and support.

Add comment