the bank lady

The bank lady just now told me I don't qualify for any help from them.

Okay, I get that.

My debt is big, my income is small, it's all my fault.

She said to me that if I could just keep paying my minimum monthly balances and not use the credit at all then I would begin to whittle it down.

If I whittle it down a bit I can reapply and maybe qualify for the debt consolidation plan she recommended before.

Every month I pay the minimum on everything but there's never enough money so I use it all again.

Everyone has helped me so much.

Everyone has been generous and encouraging and helpful.

And now this world shift.

I can pay it all again this month but I'll end up having to use it all to survive next month before it all comes due again.

Someone wrote to me saying, "You're beautiful. Get out of this the old fashioned way. Find yourself a rich man."

Oh boy.

That is always tempting, and I've done that before, but they don't just grow on trees and I've been living in a relationship that is not about wealth.

All I want is real love, real happiness, real security.

When will these things come to me?

I am left with no game plan but the one I love which is to move forward anyway one written word at a time towards the dream I've harbored all along.

I focus on my glistening dream like a mirage in the desert and everything else, all the problems, fade away.

I trek through the desert with my bag of coins, and it is stolen from me in the night, and I wake and despair and know that I must keep moving.

And the dream is the only real thing I see.

The dream is the only lover that wakes for me.

Ask not for whom I pine, I pine for the dream that was promised when I was a child.

I am married to a deep and silent lover who torments me with pain and passion every night.

No rest for the wicked no sleep for the dreamer no silence for the siren I am crying.

I am cast out on the waves of the roiling sea.

There's no one there but me.

I see the face of God.

And I am free.


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