still looking for somebody to blame

Yesterday I got the idea that it's all Rob's fault and that I should move out of his house because he's dragging me down.

I mean, it sounds funny now maybe but I was sure about this yesterday.

I got the idea after I asked him about my birthday and he said that he really doesn't have the money right now to cancel any clients and he has a client who wants to come in on my birthday afternoon and he's not sure for how long.

Nina and I had an idea about going to an early happy hour at the delicious place called Dumplings down the street from Rob's house.

Nina got her brother and sister to chip in for her to take me out for happy hour there.

But Rob has to work.

I got mad because I'm an unreasonable and selfish jerk.

Later I hatched a plan to get my own apartment...with Nina...well....it would have to be her apartment because no one will even rent to me right now in my financial circumstances.

But Nina liked this idea because she's sort of getting sick of living in Rob's guest room after almost a whole year of this now.

So we're going to look at a $900 apartment this morning.

I told Rob I'm moving there with her.

He was hurt but not shocked and he doesn't believe half of what I say anyway because I say a lot of crap that never happens.

I love the idea of being a woman alone.

A beautiful mysterious woman alone.

A "who do you think she is and what do you think she's all about" kind of woman.

I love the idea of having a huge Standard Poodle too.

Rust colored, well mannered, unshorn locks.

My own big huge Poodle.

Ideally in Paris.

And me speaking fluent French.

With a gorgeous little jewel of an apartment up in the Mansard roof.

Or a loft in SoHo in New York with my massive Poodle and enough space for everyone to come and stay.

Right across the street from the Pain de Quotidien on Grand and Mercer.

And Rob would keep his house and he would let me stay there when I visit from Paris or New York.

I don't know about the Poodle flying on airplanes so there may be a lot of driving but there already is a lot of driving, so not Paris, just New York.

If my brain has to stop worrying about money, and if my brain has to stop beating everyone up over my grief and my difficulties, then maybe my brain should just start dreaming.

These are not new dreams.

These are THE dreams.

Poodle.

SoHo loft.

Minnesota too.

Plenty of money.

Acclaim and prosperity from my writings and my music.

Lots of beautiful concerts all over the world.

Play in Tokyo for the Ralph Lauren RRL store people.

Play in Germany at the nicest concert halls.

Play in London and Dublin and back to NYC again.

Full band always and I come back out and do a few pieces solo.

This isn't dreaming, this is THE DREAM.

And Rob's the drummer.

And we get to hear his nice harmonies too.

And the other guys all sing so we can do four part harmonies but someone takes over the lead line so I can do the highest harmonies myself because I love that.

And there's this new album that's all originals but they're more Bluegrass inspired, or more like cowboy songs, like the Married To Bob song.

I'm writing them now.

And they turn out great and that's the perfect follow up to the Songs From The Open Road album and everybody loves it.

And I never have to worry about having enough money for the water bill or the groceries again.

I'm willing to do all the work it will take to make this dream come true.

I can't bail now on the people I need and love, hoping for a shortcut escape.

No short cuts.

You can't go around it, you gotta go through it.

If Rob hates me and kicks me out by the end of this, none of us will blame him.

But I have to at least try to stay the course.

We're going to look at the cute apartment but maybe what'll happen is Nina will move there and I'll have more privacy and more space again at Rob's because the guest room would be free for me to hole up in for writing and dreaming.

We shall see.

I need to finish my first screenplay.

I need to finish the songs for my new album.

I need to keep writing the handwritten small books for people.

Yesterday a nice person commissioned one of those for a friend who is hurting.

I am going to write that one today and hold it aside for her to pick up at the Feb 20 Parkway Theater show.

So much.

There's so much to do.

Thank you to those of you who sent me a Paypal birthday gift yesterday.

You are putting the wind beneath my tattered wings.

The idea there is that I can receive gifts of money, five dollars or five thousand, with the note "happy birthday" and the IRS won't try to argue that it's actual music business income.

And with the new album coming this year, and all the touring I am planning, every cent is appreciated.

Plus I have to get to Ely on Friday and could use some gas money.

My birthday is tomorrow and I'll be fifty-nine.

The youngest I've been yet.

Hopeful and ready to be nice and be good and work hard.

Don't hold any of what you read here against me.

And for God's sake don't blame Nina or Rob.

Just let me have my constant stream of semi-public personal narration.

Just enjoy the ride.

Don't do something stupid like write to Rob on Facebook and tell him he should take the day off for my birthday and take out a second mortgage to buy me a diamond necklace and a new car and ten dozen roses. 

Here's my Paypal link for birthday gifts and contributions to one woman's BIG DREAM......

https://www.paypal.me/courtneyyasmineh

Leave a comment

Add comment