out of control

I feel like things are out of control.

I have a feeling that's what's supposed to be happening.

My days are full of meaningful work.

I may not have the rewards yet, but I do have the gratitude.

I'm grateful for the experiences I'm having and for the people and the animals around me.

My oldest daughter Nina had her 29th birthday dinner yesterday.

She made everything herself.

It was gorgeous.

She was gorgeous too.

She cooked for her mother, her grandmother, and our dear patron Rob.

Rob's house was delightful and filled with love and happiness.

The four of us all enjoyed the time together.

I was proud of my daughter and my mother, and grateful for Rob's grounding presence for us all.

Nina and I talked later about one of our ongoing dreams of starting a lovely little restaurant in Minneapolis.

We may be getting closer to that.

In the meantime, today I'm modeling for the Girl Genius Vintage people.

I love them and I love their clothes.

It's the brain child of Marlis Schmidt and I love what she's done for me.

Yesterday for Nina's birthday dinner I wore the gaucho style linen pants Marlis gave me with their little fitted notch-collared blouse.

I received so many compliments when my mother and I went in to Nordstrom to buy Nina's perfume, the gift our family pitched in to buy for her.

Marlis has changed the way I feel about clothes and about my body.

She's changed the way I feel about what I'm trying to say about myself to others.

It's very magical.

It makes me feel out of control.

It does.

I feel like I tried for all my adult life to say things about myself through clothing.

And now I'm just going with the flow.

I have no idea what I'm saying to the world.

I'm just feeling along by intuition, by desire.

It feels so weird.

Like fluid, like water, like swimming naked in a Northern lake in mid summer when you know there's no one around for miles in any direction.

Total freedom.

Total comfort.

Total acceptance.

Count me in.

Freedom.

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