no fucking idea

I have absolutely no fucking idea what I'm doing.

I realize that when I'm standing on my front porch singing for the six people who showed up for my show.

Six beautiful souls participated in my little experiment for my behalf and for theirs.

God I hope they enjoyed it.

I hope they didn't get back in their cars and go "Huh, that was weird."

I hope they said, "You know, she's okay. She does what she does." 

At the very least maybe they said that.

Maybe someone was brought to joy or brought to tears, maybe somebody felt like they were doing something fun and cool and different.

But either way it's for me to plow through this feeling of oh-my-God-what-is-my-life!

I thought my voice was better and when I walked back into the house at the end Rob and Tobi were sitting on the sofa and Rob said, "Your voice was a lot better this time".

That is great.

Compliments from Rob Genadek are hard won and are to be believed.

The first song of the night I completely flubbed.

I thought it would be fun to start out a little sassy so I started with Crash and Burn, my own song, and I forgot the words.

Then I forgot the words to the second verse.

Then I stopped and tried to remember and then I started over, and then I just sang the chorus a couple times and ended it.

Holy Hell.

I had a glass of wine while I was setting up which I don't usually do.

It could have been that.

Mostly it was that everyone didn't show up and so the audience was a bit sparse and I got shook up.

I felt embarrassed.

Like my front porch concerts are dumb and I'm dumb.

That is just the worst place to go.

This is dumb, I'm dumb, I'm delusional about where my life is headed, my vision is insanity.

Okay, so the good news is I didn't make any more mistakes and I played for an hour and a half.

Not one mistake after massacring that first song.

That's fine, people are kind and forgiving.

But this leads to another issue.

At the end of the show someone said to me that they look forward to seeing me on a stage at a real venue again sometime soon.

That puts so much fear in me.

I saw a young woman who's a singer songwriter put up a post on social media saying that some venue in the Twin Cities is her "home away from home" and she can't wait to start playing there again.

I do not have that relationship with any venues right now.

I was in the process of growing my brand..sorry for the capitalism speak....to a next level of performances.

I was starting to play these $1000 concerts at arts centers and folk series and concert halls.

I want to keep going in that direction.

I don't want to go back to...........

I don't want to go backwards at all...........

Please Lord help me keep moving toward the beautiful light I see before me........

I see it I swear I do.............

 

This is Sunday and that means I jog to the store and get me a New York Times.

I will read about other artists all over the world and I will believe in them and I will sing praises unto them for their great works.

And some day they will read about me in those hallowed pages.

And this will come to fruition or I will die trying, whichever comes first.

Today in the afternoon I go to a different town not far from here and I sing for a filming.

They're filming a celebration of life for a young mother who lost her battle with cancer.

They asked me to sing.

I said yes of course.

So I'm going to film my portion of the film they're making.

A crushing thing to go see that young father and his kids, although I know they're well supported in their family and community and they have a great attitude from what I know so far about them.

Life is short and difficult and sometimes brutal.

We must rage against the dying of the light.

We must set up sound equipment on our front porches and play our goddamn songs as if our lives depend on it because they just fucking do.

I'm not going to stop fighting against my inner critic.

I'm going to defy that voice every day. Prove it wrong. Show myself that I am master of my self if not my destiny.

You don't have to take me seriously, the world doesn't have to take me seriously, but I have to take me seriously because I feel the fire burning inside of me.

I feel it and I'm acting on it.

Have your best possible day.

Love.

 

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