new era

Nina leaves for L.A. today.

I'm happy for her, her plan is solid, it's a great thing for her to do now, great timing.

We know the family renting her one of their darling tiny guest houses on their private property in a great neighborhood.

I hope to visit if everything works out.

Flights are certainly cheap enough!

In the meantime I suddenly have a lot of quiet freedom again.

My mother is back in her apartment across town (and can't find her way over here on her own...haha!).

I spoke to my mother's building manager and they're helping my Mom as best they can, so it's out of my hands for now anyway.

And Nina told me not to keep the guest room set up for her to return.

She said I should "push her out of the nest" and not make it too easy for her to return.

So cute.

So now I suddenly have a room of my own for writing and dreaming and just plain privacy.

Rob never liked my old mule deer taxidermy from 1935 that I've hung in all my houses.

Right now the old deer head is hanging in Rob's mud room by the back stairs.

But I'm gonna hang that sucker up in my new writer's retreat room!

Right over my day bed that I'm going to refashion the twin beds into.

I can do it.

Also, if I ever make enough money I'm going to cut a window to the backyard so I can see the garden and see Tobi romping around.

The room has a window but it looks right into the neighbor's upstairs bathroom so that's not really helpful.

A new window cut into an old house wall can't be that expensive.

This is my next idea, to get some estimates.

I have the names of a few guys now who do this type of work, and a company called Wonderwoman Construction that's right in my neighborhood as well, although I'm not sure they'd take a small project like a window.

My closet is in that room, so I'll have my closet back too!

It's going to be an amazing time of new freedom.

It's going to be an amazing new world too.

I read an article about skyscrapers becoming obsolete.

Good!

They wreck the birds' flight patterns.

They take a lot of energy.

"Well they pack the sky, 'scrapers fill the air, will they keep on building higher 'til there's no more room up there?"

That was Cat Stevens in 1970.

I'm glad he's alive to see them turning that around.

Maybe we're all moving out to the country now.

Maybe the small towns will suddenly all be revitalized.

That's fine, that's great.

But a whole lot of new apartments were just built in cities like Minneapolis because supposedly all the young people wanted to live urban.

Will people still want those new apartments?

So interesting, a shift is coming again.

Past shifts rendered places like Detroit obsolete, but Detroit can see a whole new life now too, why not?

Upstate New York, an area that I love so much, has had an air of being forgotten, but New Yorkers may decide to rediscover those sleepy small towns.

I'm staying here at the home I am making with Rob.

My home.

Rob owns the house but it's my home too.

From now on I'm saying phrases like "my partner Rob" and I'm saying "come on over to my house".

I forced myself for four years to say "Rob's porch" "Rob's garden" "Rob's house".

When my mean Mom was staying here she would say, "This isn't your house, this isn't your kitchen, you don't have anything of your own".

I'm over it.

My man, my home, my chosen life, my chosen circumstances. 

My choice, my joy, my energy, my creativity, my love, it's all here.

My dog Tobi.

And from this place I can build outward, I can go places, I can be free.

Everybody should be so lucky to have a mean Mom who challenges you to the very core of your existence.

"You're nothing, you don't matter."

"Look at you, you're a very sick woman. You have nothing. You're a failure."

Everyone should be so lucky to have their own mother look them right in the eyes and say that kind of shit to them.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Let her say that shit to you when you're fourteen.

When you're sixteen.

When you're twenty-two, thirty-two, forty-two.

But let her say it to you again when you're turning sixty and watch as the strength of your very being melts her cruelty into a puddle on the floor before you like the Wicked Witch of the West, crying out, "I'm melting".

Ding dong the Witch is dead!

I didn't even have to kill her.

Her cruelty died it's last death with this last visit.

What remains is a frail and frightened old woman whom I love dearly and who can't hurt me anymore.

My daughter leaves today.

I can go it alone now.

My Nina brought me along like a tugboat assisting the mother ship.

For a whole year she encouraged me, she showed me new ways to do things, she showed me my strengths, she was kind to me, she loved me.

I'm safe, I'm confident, I'm strong, I'm ready.

Nothing stands between me and my Creator.

I'm ready for this new era, for this most important time of my life's work.

I'm ready for all my dreams to come true.

Bring it world!

I hope we all have these feelings, maybe not consistently every day, but from time to time at least.

I hope we all have glimmers of a new and better future for ourselves and for those we love.

Have a wonderful Springtime day!

 

 

 

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