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The fact is that I'm a crazy person living on the fumes of the vehicle that is my dreams.
There is no wiggle room.
There is a looming mountain of debt that follows me like the Rocky Mountains on the horizon.
If anything I've ever created hits the big time I can pay it all off.
If I die first, my children are not burdened by their parent's debts.
If I sit still and take a full time job in Minneapolis I could slowly whittle it down.
If I make big bold moves like heading to the Folk Alliance Conference in New Orleans on every last cent available to me, I might just break on through to the other side.
If I keep developing my Courtney Yasmineh brand I might just start making enough money to become solvent while doing the work I love most.
Okay, so, even if I have to say it every single day, I'm going for it here and there's no real reason not to.
Suicide is not an option, but living like the walking dead isn't either.
My mother over Christmas referred to my "sputtering music career".
She thinks it's very bad that I'm attempting to go to this conference in New Orleans.
I'm going to sell the last of my clothes that I don't wear very often today.
I'm going to finish writing my proposal for a $5000 grant called the "next step" grant in Minneapolis for artists.
I'm going to have a meeting today with a wonderful music mentor who'll be at the conference the whole time I'm down there and is offering to help me make the most of my time there.
I signed up for one of the bunk beds in a room of four women at the local hostel in New Orleans for $30 a night to keep costs down.
I'm doing this, people.
Also, someone suggested to me that maybe I get off on risk and peril in life.
That's just not true.
I have a vision and a dream and it was promised to me by the stained glass Jesus at my Lutheran church in Chicago when I sang in the choir at eight years of age.
I'm making good on that promise until the day I die.
Over Christmas when I sang in the church choir, I felt it all over again.
When the choir director asked me to play guitar and sing a verse solo on my final Sunday in the choir I felt it all over again.
I can't explain it to you.
Bob Dylan says "you gotta serve somebody".
I know who I'm serving.
I've got a pact with my God and I'm going to live it out or live it down but I'm not going to ever turn my back on it again.
Help me or don't help me.
Be glad or be mad.
It's not for my mother to say.
She has her own way to go.
I have mine.
I didn't come up with this conference idea anyway.
I'd never even heard of it until a week ago.
But when the suggestion was made and the offer was made I saw a light, a lantern in the foggy distance, and I felt I should try to make it there.
That's what I'm doing.
Plane ticket purchased.
Registration for the conference completed.
$500 of the $750 goal I set for my fundraiser completed.
I am praising God and Man and getting ready to pass the margaritas.
This is happening.
"Baby how you feeling?
Feeling good as hell!"
(that's a Lizzo quote)
Kurt L. Bents January 18, 2020 @09:05 am
Good Morning Courtney........I am writing to wish you a great and safe day!! I am pleased you are out there playing your music up against many odds. I understand the statement from your Mother and have my own story on that as a parent. I love your story about the stained glass window as my home church when I was a kid had a great one that I will always remember. I am sorry I did not help monetarily this trip for you......will help when I can in the future as I love your grit and commitment……