We are living through an historical event, like the Dark Ages, or The Plague, or World War II, or a million other strange events since the beginning of time that have caused great suffering.
Things are different because of our technology.
We have contact, we have a lot of information, we are never alone, but much of the contact we get from the internet is strained or difficult or competitive or sad.
I see people saying things that conflict with what other people are saying just within the groups of people I know.
Like religion, crisis is a true unknown.
When the priests used to explain about God or Jesus or how to pray we used to think we had to believe them until we realized how corrupt they really were.
When people tell us that this disease will strike us in America exactly as it has beautiful Italy, we in middle America have a very hard time suddenly constructing additional makeshift hospitals.
We fear spending unnecessary funds and energy, we fear overreacting.
We are afraid to over prepare.
We are afraid to under prepare too.
The best thing that I did in recent weeks was get this darn puppy who's chewing on the sleeve of Rob's big bathrobe that I'm wearing while I type this.
The puppy is the glue for a household of adults, some related, some not.
The puppy makes us a family.
And we work together over a common cause that is so easy to embrace.
The care of the puppy, the training of the puppy, the exercising of the puppy.
The puppy is such a delightful cause.
When we all ate at the dining room table, after the death of my dear old dog Aidan in January, we sat not talking until we finally started eating separately.
Now we sit down gladly to the table and everyone watches the puppy and all his darling antics during the meal.
He flops down at people's feet, he puts a paw on someone's lap.
He lays on the wood floor in the kitchen or on my nice old wool looped rug and sighs.
He plays happily in the living room with his stuffed animals.
Aidan had a collection of stuffed animals we kept in a basket in the living room.
We've been giving Tobi one new toy at a time from the basket to keep him entertained and it's working.
I can also take him now for very long walks, longer than Aidan could ever do.
Tobi is bigger, and still getting bigger, than Aidan was.
He's sturdy and strong and his fur being all black and very glossy is easy to keep clean.
So we are hiking through the forest paths along the great Mississippi now.
The paths have lost almost all of their ice and it hasn't started to rain yet, so they aren't muddy either.
It's a wonderful time for solitary long walks with this magical young animal who sees everything as a new adventure.
Yesterday I talked with Rob about my life and my career and we compared mine with his.
I said that I didn't feel I had accomplished what I set out to in music to the degree that he has.
He looked me right in the eye and said, "No, you haven't."
He is sitting in his house that is nearly paid off, with his recording studio filled with expensive musical instruments and electronic gear.
He has a respected name and paying clients.
It's hard to make ends meet but he does and he has for thirty years with no other work.
I have been trying here full time now for what, five years since my children left home and my alimony stopped?
Five years but I've only written this blog for two years.
I've really only been living hand to mouth like this from this work for three years since my money all ran out.
I didn't think it would be this hard..or maybe this impossible.
But still the promise remains.
I have a promise in my brain that's been there since the beginning of my life, that I would be a famous singer on the great stages of the world.
It was a promise from the stained glass Jesus who looked down at me approvingly when I sang my solos in church as a young girl.
It was a promise when I came back to performing as a young mother and the congregation gave me a standing ovation when I sang a solo in our new church.
The last concert I gave was a week ago, solo, to a community that had never heard me before, and I received a standing ovation again.
It's been a promise from God and it's been a vision in my own mind, a promise to me, a promise from me.
I can't let go of it because it's how I see myself, it's how I've always seen myself.
It may be a delusion, but it's real to me and it's only getting stronger in my head.
It's all I can think about now.
It used to be a faint strain like distant bells from a Mission out on the Santa Fe trail.
But now the bells are ringing constantly in my head, like it's time, like this is the time.
A man called me yesterday to tell me he wants to try his hand at managing my career.
This man is of course insane, you'd have to be insane to call with such a proposition in a time like this, especially to make such a call to a woman like me.
But insanity may well be what is needed now.
He sees the correct concept, that my age is now the playing card, telling the world that we cannot discriminate against anything about anybody any more.
A serious older woman becoming famous for her popular music right now would be great for everyone to see.
He gets that.
And he thinks I'm good enough in all areas to be the one to do it.
So do I.
There's no disagreement.
I told him we could discuss it more.
I have absolutely nothing to lose....probably.
You know this old song from Conor Oberst, the Bright Eyes guy?
"...and I know you have a heavy heart
I can feel it when we kiss
many men stronger than me
have thrown their backs out trying to lift it...."
That's what I could sing to this guy.
Many men with strong backs have tried to help me do the heavy lifting of getting this career of mine to where it needs to go.
Can this guy help?
I wrote a new song yesterday, start to finish in about twenty minutes, two verses, a pre chorus, a chorus.
I played it for Rob when he walked through the house at one point and he said it was good.
He said it was catchy.
I agree, it is catchy.
I'm looking forward to singing it again today.
Maybe I'll have the courage to make a video of myself singing it for my Patreon page.
Here's the link in case I do...... https://www.patreon.com/courtneyyasmineh
Writing a new album and recording it is everything right now, really.
Everything hinges on a new set of original recordings.
I am only as good as that.
Going around performing is not the answer because the songs I'm singing aren't perfectly pertinent.
Songs written right now, for right now, about right now, are what I want to sing, and I need to write them myself.
So, yesterday I wrote one, and there are others I've been writing and there will be more and the album will be done by late summer.
This is mandatory.
This is the way forward.
This is the promise.
I go meet with the banker today.
Then I go visit my mother with my daughter and the puppy.
Then I go visit a long time fellow artist and do a creative consultation, face to face, one on one.....plenty of distance between us all, yes, and also none of us are ill and none of us have traveled and we're all working from home in relative personal isolation.
Stay well today, stay happy today, find a way to have fun, read my creativity worksheet if you haven't yet.
It's on a post from last week here on my blog.