humility 101

Humility 101 has struck me with a great stick and has knocked me to my knees.....

and I suppose this is what I needed if it's happening.

My own mother called me to say that she saw Deepak Chopra on television and he was saying that you should let what's coming happen.

Don't fight anything.

Let it all happen.

The sooner it all happens the better.

My father's demise happened.

I don't know how hard he tried to stave it off, but I do know that for a time, as his stock broker life was becoming a nightmare, he drove a Chicago city taxi at night to make some cash.

I was around fifteen or sixteen then.

I remember it all pretty well.

He gave up trying when my Mom cheated on him because she was giving up trying too.

I never saw him again after that.

I am sitting in my cozy landing net with a man upstairs who loves me even though he knows I'm flawed.

His loving me gives him pain and grief.

He came downstairs this morning to see me with my hands over my face crying.

Another punishment has come down on me in this strange Advent of my atonement.

A bill for a rental car from Germany from a year ago, a bill that I thought was unfair and that I attempted to dispute, has come down hard as a must-pay-now event.

They even offered to reduce the total owed to half what it is.

So I paid it just now with my line of Paypal credit, four hundred dollars.

Another unexpected bill for a small error, a chip in the paint of a rental car that I swear wasn't my fault.

Whatever.

My children go to California all together tomorrow for a beach vacation with their father and his beautiful younger wife.

It could have been me.

I could be going on vacation tomorrow with my family still together, still one big happy family.

If I only could have found a way to be happy in my marriage to their father.

Do I regret leaving him?

Yes.

I do.

I regret the pain I caused and the ruin I have brought on myself.

I didn't know what else to do.

I thought I did everything and I wanted to give up, so I did.

I was miserable in the unhappiness of a troubled marriage.

He wanted me to stay and he told me that a lot of people's marriages were miserable and they toughed it out and so should we.

He was right.

I wish I had stayed with him and kept our family together.

I am paying for it.

I will pay for it all my life.

 

 

 

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