Hope is believing that things can turn out better than they did in the past.
Hope is believing that you're better, you're stronger.
Hope is feeling that there's something new and exciting around the next corner.
Hope is having your scary Mom staying with you for a long weekend to try out her anti-psychotic drug.
Hope is having your Mom sleep through the night on night two!
I'm writing from my glorious bedroom where I was not awakened in the middle of the night with bizarre stories of people screaming and trying to kill my mother.
She's sleeping in the guest room now, and Nina is down on the sofa in the living room.
The guest room has twin beds but Nina opted for the sofa.
The first night my Mom slept on the sofa because she wanted to, but that was a bad idea and nobody got any sleep.
It's 6:50am and I haven't heard a peep out of her since about 11pm.
Unless she died, which is unlikely, then we've had a successful night and she's finally had a good night's sleep.
What we're doing is crucial for my mother's future right now.
If she can stabilize her "unwanted thoughts", as they call them in the psychology world now, she can continue to live independently.
If she keeps calling the police and knocking on her neighbors' doors in the middle of the night saying "they're trying to kill me", she's going to get evicted.
But the underlying issue here for me is massive fear.
Nina and I have the same reaction to my mother coming to stay here.
We're almost paralyzed by fear.
We can't think straight.
It's just so scary.
Like the scariest thing in the world.
I'm afraid of being hurt, I'm afraid of being out of control.
I'm afraid of her confusion getting to me.
I'm afraid of her pushing my buttons all the time and me getting my patience worn down and me losing my temper.
I'm afraid of all the mean things she keeps saying about the way I look, the way I act, the things I've done and haven't done, my general personality and character.
I'm afraid she's going to hurt me or that I might hurt her.
She used to hit us a lot.
We hated her.
My brother used to say, "Sister C, Mom's just lucky that neither of us have killed her yet."
Your mom has to be a pretty big bummer for her two kids to sit around and laugh at that statement.
But it was true.
I love my Mom.
I love her enough to bring her here to my only real safe haven I've ever known in my whole life.
I go to bed happy here, I wake in the morning refreshed.
I don't feel afraid ever.
Nobody puts me down here, nobody insults me or hurts me here.
No one hits me or raises a hand to threaten me.
I brought her here to try to help her.
I'm trying to instill a sense of well being and peace in her that she can take back to her very nice apartment in a very nice senior building.
The people she lives with are high functioning and kind and intelligent.
They all have lived successful lives.
They're great people in great shape enjoying their later years.
And she's over there accusing them of all kinds of sick and scary aberrant behaviors concerning her self.
I keep saying, "Mom, nobody wants to spy on you when you take your bath, sorry, nobody, not one single person on this planet."
Okay, that's not nice, but hey you gotta get real at some point.
That's like the meanest thing I say, so I'm doing pretty well.
This stuff wears down your patience.
Let's stick with today.
I get to sell my last eight copies of my Sidney book to a book club group.
I'm going to drive the eight books, all signed by me, over to a Costco parking lot where the book club organizer will meet me before they go shopping.
I'll get the cash from that and feel great about life.
Plus all those people will be reading my book for their May book club book!
And I get to do a Zoom meeting with them and discuss the book in late May.
Tonight I get to drive a short way and then set up and play LIVE on a balcony to a bunch of fun revelers out on their balconies.
It's a neighborhood series happening every Saturday night from 7-8pm and I'm this week's entertainer.
Tomorrow night I do another live stream concert from my bedroom, this one is part of a "Land of 10,000 Streams" online music festival.
My mother slept all night.
Joy and gratitude and let's hope we get her to a whole new level of calm and grateful thinking.
Let's hope we can get my Mom happy!
I love my Mom or I would never do this.
Rob, by the way, is handling this great and is so kind and nice with my Mom.
Okay, let this beautiful day unfurl like a Spring blossom!
Love and clear thinking to you my friend, where ever you are today.
Tobi the puppy and I are going to go for a long walk now.