Gratitude and Love

Thanksgiving Day 2019.

4:50 a.m.

My son arrived from California at 1:30 a.m. because of flight delays due to snow in the Midwest.

Rob went to the airport to get him and I stayed in bed.

Now I'm up drinking my one cup of morning religion coffee with cream and dark chocolate.

I want to write it all down all the time right now.

I don't care about photos or videos right now, I don't care about recordings.

I want silent twenty six letters in black type on white made into mystical little configurations like Morris Code.

Typing out messages from my bed to the world.

Write it down, roll it up, put it in a clear glass bottle with a cork and set it off onto the wild seas.


It's a compulsive desire of mine.

Speaking of compulsive desires....

I have used a lot of my Paypal credit in the last few days to prepare for the holidays.

I want to go big or go home right now.

I bought all the candles for the tables in Rob's house, I bought myself new winter boots that are pretty enough to wear to church under my choir robe.

I bought the garlands for the front porch, as you know from recent posts.

Am I going to be struck by lightning for wanting more?

Am I going to go down in flames for living large and beyond my current income?

I'm still reading Wallace Wattles' book about the science of getting rich, from the eighteen hundreds.

He is absolutely sure that you need to be the biggest you can possibly be in order to expand.

He says that animals evolve when they go beyond the confines of their normal functions in the world.

Oh, damn, that's a cool point I think.

If you just pick up your fins and walk out of the ocean onto the land so you can get more to eat, you start to develop legs.

Okay well I am picking up my ball gown skirts...that I sewed in October in preparation of these very moments...and walking right out into the holidays in all glory laud and honor.

I'm going to be fabulous.

I am determined to be bigger than my current position in this world because that's how I am going to evolve.


This all makes me think of Lizzo.

She is thirty-one now and was great at the American Music Awards last week I thought.

Her songs that are on the radio were recorded in 2016 and 2017.

The one song has been around for three years.

Now it's finally breaking through.

And it might never have if she wasn't so much bigger than life in so many ways.

Nobody does go big or go home bigger than Lizzo.

She's from Detroit.

She lived in Houston from age ten to twenty.

She's from Minneapolis lately.

But Detroit is much more fuck you all than Minneapolis could ever be so I wasn't surprised that she's from there.

She studied classical flute through college at the University of Houston.

I don't know what she thought was going to happen in her life.

But by the way she has dressed and by the music she's made she wanted something big in her life.

I do too.

Yesterday my son called me in the morning to tell me about something that happened at his work.

He's home here now and I am excited to talk more with him today.

But what he told me was that one of his bosses in design at the company he works for approached him about doing a new collaboration.

My son is twenty-three.

He has wanted to design cool skateboard related merchandise all his life.

He's made his own t shirt designs since he was in junior high.

He's just that guy.

So yesterday I asked him how he felt about this new possible opportunity to do what he's really always wanted to do and what he's really always been doing and thinking about all along and he said, "I'm not ready."

I didn't over react.

I just said, "Oh. Why not?"

He said a whole litany of reasons mostly circling around being too young, not having enough experience, not wanting to be taken by surprise, wanting more time to prepare.

Dude, you've been preparing all your life.

Lizzo just said at the AMAs that she's glad it took her music this long to become popular because she wouldn't have been ready until now.

But, you know, she studied flute performance in college.

She made recordings all along..the current album is her third.

My son has been thinking about going to graduate school in art and design.

He was a business and art double major at NYU.

He studied purposely with the intent to be an entrepreneur in retail, in design.

He probably knows as much as he needs to know, plus the two internships he's done in skateboard retail companies, plus the full time job he's had this whole year in California.

How do you prepare to be bigger?

How does the fish prepare to pick up his fins and walk right out of the ocean onto the shore to get some more food?

You just start trying to do it.

You just start failing at doing it until you succeed.

I sewed this big ball gown skirt with yards and yards of black tulle and black taffeta.

The materials cost me about $30, total.

Because I designed it and sewed it all by hand, myself, in October, for some unknown reason, just an instinct, just an urge to create, I now have my apparatus prepared to get out of the damn cold ocean and walk up onto the beach, into the Sun.

I'm going to have the best holiday season ever.



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