Not my favorite phrase.
My mother has always said of me, "she burns the candle at both ends".
She has always said that she didn't think I could be a performer the way I had always wanted to be, playing shows on tour night after night, becuase I've always been such an early riser.
The shows, in my mother's mind, are for night life types who drink and smoke and carry on into the wee hours.
Performers should be people who were going to be up late anyway.
No, not I.
I can stay up until two in the morning if I have to to get the job done.
If it's my show and the people want me to sing, I will sing at any hour.
But I always go right back to my early morning ways.
Right now, for example, it's 6:54am.
I slept very well last night.
This illness is strange because it hits me in spells.
Looking back, I had a very bad spell last Sunday night and that's what prompted me to visit the ER.
But while I was there the spell was subsiding and I didn't present as a very serious case.
I'm still not presenting even to myself as a very serious case.
That being said, I had a very disheartening "spell" again yesterday afternoon.
My fever gets worse and with it my breathing constricts.
It gets worse and worse for a few hours.
I start thinking that if it gets any worse I'll be back in the dreaded hospital.
I lie on my stomach with my elbows propping up my head and chest, I push the bed pillows away.
And I pray.
I pray that I'll get through this spell at home.
I pray that the fever is doing it's work and burning away the cruel virus from my body.
I pray that I'll still get to play someday at the Newport Folk Festival.
I pray for every person I know, and every person I love, that they'll be happy and healthy.
I pray for the world.
I pray so that I don't have to fixate on how my lungs are handling each intake of air.
I pray so that I don't listen too carefully to hear if there is fluid building up, if there is mucus forming.
Oh deliver me Lord!
Any day now I shall be released!
Last night around seven Nina and Rob decided to make hot toddies.
They used a quarter of a shot of Brandy for each one, they said, just for effect.
Hot water, lemon, honey.
We all had hot toddies and watched Pride And Prejudice with Keira Knightley.
I said half way through that I had forgotten to obsess over my breathing.
The hot toddie and the fun movie.
How was my breathing?
I've had asthma my whole life.
And I sing for people as my chosen job.
I obsess over my breathing all the time.
This is my kind of virus in that regard.
I may have come down with this case of it partly because I do have asthma and I may have been more susceptible because of it.
But, the way it's spread like a terrible wild fire all around the world means that you don't have to have compromised lungs to be affected.
I can only speak for myself since even my partner Rob and my daughter Nina have both exhibited somewhat different versions.
We've all had it at the exact same time, for over a week now, maybe you could say we've had it for three weeks now.
The first week we all thought we might be coming down with something but we never did.
The second week we all had symptoms ranging from slight tiredness to maybe a slight feverishness or maybe a chill.
Fear was the main feature, fear and worry of getting sick was bigger than sickness itself.
Then last Sunday I was truly ill.
We all got scared.
By the middle of the night I was in the ER.
Rob and Nina both say they felt much worse after that.
We were all scared into feeling worse after that maybe.
It just got so real.
Nina holed up in her room for the whole day for several days.
I laid in bed.
Rob stayed out in his garage studio day and night, sleeping, resting working on finishing some album mixes for people so he could get some money.
Two days ago I went to one hundred percent bed rest because we were just all too scared of what was to come.
Reports of people taking a sudden turn for the worse.
Stories of people's bodies suddenly going into overdrive, their lungs suddenly filling with fluid.
Jesus Christ almighty.
Makes a church choir girl like me go from feeling like a Unitarian to feeling like you want to enroll the power of Christ Jesus.
Jesus take the wheel.
One day at a time sweet Jesus that's all I'm asking of you.
Songs like that.
The politics and the rhetoric of it go right out the window when you think this could be it.
Enlist all the heroes you got!
Last night after the movie, I had the funny idea that maybe we had made this whole thing up in our heads.
Maybe we were all so worried that we all imagined we had the symptoms of the dreaded Virus that is overtaking the world.
But, you know, it's the fevers that aren't imaginary.
So, last night I went to bed with the idea that my breathing is not the thing to fixate on, it's my wonderful glowing future that is worthy of fixation.
My boy Jordan is home now, staying at his Dad's.
He arrived from California two nights ago.
We have told him he has to wait to come meet Tobi who he's so excited to meet.
Jordan will be living here the next three years for his new graduate school program so there's plenty of time.
But that's the kind of thing you want to fixate on, not your every breath in and out of your lungs.
It's funny to me that I have had so many pulmonary illnesses in my life that when Yoga instructors talk about focusing on your breath I kind of cringe.
How about let's not, I say to myself every time.
I've gotten over that, and I agree with the concepts of healthy focusing on breathing.
I agree with it.
But it's a concept for the healthy.
It's not fun to focus on your breath when you are wheezing or gasping.
So, this morning.
I feel pretty damn positive.
Cheerful, relaxed, optimistic, healthy.
I hope you can say the same or better!
We can get through this, learn many massive lessons, be ready for the dawning of a new day for ourselves and for all Mankind.
We couldn't just keep going along the way we were.
I hope to God we never go back to normal in our civilized nations.
The most advanced societies are the ones that need to change the most.
Bring them to their knees Lord.
Put the fear of God into them.
Hear their new more humble tones as they choke out their reports of the rising death tolls.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
We can rise from this a better Human Race.
I believe that.
Jesus is taking the wheel.
The Holy Spirit is setting the tone.
Mother Nature is packing a six gun.
And all of the arrogant people will be humbled.
I want to live to see this new day dawn!