what have I been doing?

The last couple of events, and the last couple of blog posts have had me thinking that there's more going on here than I thought.

First off, you have to know that when I came back to Minneapolis after living in New York for two years, I was crushed.

My East Coast touring was just starting to work out.

My love for the city, and Central Park, had really only increased in the time I was there.

My tiny apartment was a delight, a gem.

But the strange thing was that I was simultaneously the most miserable that I had ever been in my life.

I felt very alone.

I had friends in the city and two of my children were living there and we did fun things all the time.

My middle child Ava flew in and visited me quite often to get in on the fun.

We had a blast.

But I knew I wasn't getting it right.

I was losing my savings.

My career wasn't becoming viable the way I had hoped.

I loved touring the East Coast up into Maine even, where my father had spent the final years of his life happy at last.

I made the Red Letter Day recordings while I lived there and I still love all of that material.

But I was so alone there.

I didn't want to admit that what I really wanted, what my soul really wanted, was to go back to Minnesota and be with Rob G, my longtime music producer and great touring companion.

We were still working together and he often flew out for the recordings and the tours.

I didn't think I missed him.

Maybe I didn't.

But my soul did.

I would never have admitted this.

I would never have thrown in the towel.

But my money ran out.

It was meant to be.

I had nothing else to do but come back to Minneapolis and either live with my mother (please God no) or see if Rob would take me in.

Well, Rob had been saying for a long time that I should keep working on my career in New York, so I always thought he didn't really want me around.

But I couldn't work from New York any longer, and he saw that my trail out there had gone cold.

So I moved into his house, which he had owned for about fifteen years, a bachelor all his life, no children.

I promised it was only temporary. 

But then my children started coming to visit, staying in the twin beds in the guest room that I brought over to Rob's when I sold every last thing out of my storage unit and got my footprint down to nearly nothing.

It was a painful blood letting, three years ago.

I sold everything, gave everything away.

What was left is in Rob's house now.

All my once extravagant wardrobe fits in one small closet in Rob's guest room.

It's been three years, three fun Christmases with us all sharing Rob's one bathroom. Rob's been such a good sport.

I'm not leaving.

My little dog has never been so happy.

He has a big fenced in backyard.

But most of all, he has his Rob whom he loves so dearly.

Everything is about when Rob gets home.

Because Rob runs a recording studio he's almost never home, and my dog and I are alone most of the time.

But we are never alone the way it felt to be alone in New York.

It felt like frostbite to be alone there.

I couldn't take it.

In Minneapolis, at Rob's house, I am never really alone and that's everything to me.

I'm so grateful for how things have worked out so far.

Which leads me to the statement I want to make this morning.

I thought I was stuck here in Minneapolis, trying to find a way to survive, crammed into Rob's tiny house, no income of my own, debts to pay.

Now I see, I have been working hard at something new and I will continue in earnest going forward.

I'm building a real grass roots fanbase.

I never did that before.

It's almost as if I skipped a step the first time around.

So now, coming back to Minneapolis, I have finally realized that I've been trying to find my people, my kinds of venues, my way of playing a show that is satisfying to me and to others.

I did this in Europe, and will undoubtedly continue to do this there as well.

It's just great to feel like what I'm doing, playing small cafes off of the path of the cool scene in Minneapolis, is a choice rather than a concession prize after a failed attempt at a career.

Do you see this? It's a flip of the scenario, it's a mind trick.

 

I thought I was just trying to survive by playing these humble solo shows, but now I see that I am building something bit by bit.

Which is true?

I see now that whichever way I look at it is truth.

So, my take on what I'm doing here is that I am working on new material, I am creating this blog, I am playing shows to a more and more engaged very organically assembled audience.

I am creating my career and it is everything I always wanted.

What will be the outcome?

I don't know.

I am going to say that each day here is beautiful and that I feel alive.

I am not lonely and I am not afraid.

I have a lot of big big dreams, that's for sure.

I envision them every day.

But I am not letting the dreams for an exciting future turn my mind into unrest and dissatisfaction.

Today is perfect. My circumstances are perfect.

I have the drive and the impetus to strive for better.

But I have the delight of a welcoming home base and the beginnings of a new and better than ever music career.

The eclipse last night was supposed to wipe out the past and give us a new beginning.

Every day is a new beginning anyway.

And the past is wiped out anyway.

Don't let the past take over your mind.

I'm not going to let it take over mine.

And not the future either, don't let your dreams of what your life could be like paralyze your day today.

And I won't either.

 

 

Comments

Courtney Yasmineh January 22, 2019 @11:41 am
Thanks for your support JJ. I am really digging in on both of these concepts: gratitude and appreciation for the safe haven and also making my thoughts paint the positive picture in order to flesh out the potential, the possibilities, the possible. Thank you again!
Jonathan Benson January 21, 2019 @04:12 pm
Two things arise for me. One, it's so important to have a secure base from which you can launch, venture and risk. Sanctuary, so to speak. You can always do those things without a secure base, of course, but it's much more taxing to the psyche. I'm glad for you, hearing about this sense of safe haven. Two, I’m reminded again how our thoughts create our reality. I like where yours are leaning. Really enjoying your blog posts.
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