trying to stay above it but not succeeding

I'm trying to stay above it again. Goddamn discouragement is nipping at my heels and overtaking me again. I feel bad that my recordings I was making got lost. I feel bad that I don't have the money to pay for their retrieval or to remake them from scratch.

I feel bad that my second book about Sidney is just sitting now because the publisher says she won't publish it. It's not that she didn't think it was good, although she didn't say one way or the other, but she said it was because the first book was only a "respectable" seller and not more of a "blockbuster".

I will say that it could have sold better if she had done more publicity and had supported my efforts more, but she says she did the best she could, and she did, I know that, she just couldn't do more because she's a very small operation. I should be glad to be out of my contract with her, although I'm not because she still is keeping book one and will continue to be the publisher of that one book of mine.

I wish I had a booking agent, a record company deal, a publicist, a manager, a big book deal with a reputable New York publisher. I wish I had succeeded by now. Instead, here I am. Where ever you go there you are. Well, that's me.

I m learning kindness is the key to everything because kindness keeps you from having a guilty conscience. I have a guilty conscience because of my business ventures not working out and the way I managed or more accurately mismanaged what I was trying to do these past ten years. Being kind to others helps alleviate some of the pain of my guilt.

I am insolvent financially, way in the hole. The tax people are wrapping up their audit and they're saying I will owe thousands in back taxes because I was calling my hobby a career and writing off expenses to make albums and go on tour and go back and forth to New York to work on my music there but I wasn't showing enough income from music to make it legitimate. I kept hoping my career was going to take off. Add it on to all the money I already owe and it's a mountain of debt, over fifty thousand dollars. I make about twenty thousand a year right now from my music and writing. 

How can I possibly keep trying to be artistic and fun and having a good image in the world when I am feeling crushed by this?

Today is Sunday. I'm going to do a lot of praying.

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