remorse and regret...those two words

The words Remorse and Regret are standing tall before me this morning.

Small things and larger things.

Nothing you don't already sort of know if you know my music and you've been to my shows.

But wrestling with the concepts of right thoughts, right words, and right actions all my life has left some train wrecks behind me.

I could blame it on my parents if I felt that would help. And even my brother. 

Those three people were not doing right thoughts, cuz they were voicing those thoughts around me all the time so I know that shit wasn't pretty.

They weren't striving...at all even...I would have to say...for right action.

I spoke to a woman my age last month who grew up across the street from my family.

She said at one point in our conversation that my family was trying to look wealthy or trying to cover up the real situation, the real problems.

I have thought about that statement a lot, because although to others it could look that way, that's not what it was.

It was way deeper in the depravity than that. She wouldn't be able to feel that maybe because her family was grounded, from what I could see, by some kind of moral tether, probably attached to their Catholicism, which I am not knocking here at all.

There was no moral tether grounding my family.

The principles I was modeled were along the lines of...it's better to look good than to feel good....and...get your groove on at the expense of all else. Worse than putting on airs or trying to impress others, maybe, they just wanted what they wanted and they willfully flaunted their grandiose sense of flamboyance, and the message was meant to be read as, not so much we want to impress you, but you are beneath us.

We were the descendants of fashion people and horse people.

As far as I can see, those are two categories of people who go for the lifestyle one hundred percent and at times let the chips fall where they may.

That's who my parents and my brother were.

They were kind of like Macklemore singing "I wear your granddad's clothes, I look incredible, I'm in this big ass coat from the thrift shop down the road..I'm gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket...I'm, I'm a hunting, looking for a come up, this is fucking awesome..."

Do you see that in this song he is saying that he is not, in fact, trying to cover anything up, he just wants to use every last cent he's got to make sure he is feeling great in his clothes, and he does not care what you think or what the consequences may be.

This was my mom, my dad, my brother, and....me.

Well, actually less me in a way.

I wanted security real bad after being raised by these lunatics.

I didn't risk it all for my artistic vision.

But I'm doing that now...and I'm looking back...and I'm seeing that I left some ugly scenes in my wake.

There are people who remember real bad stories about me.

I can't erase those memories from their minds.

My own daughter Ava has memories of me that I wish I could erase.

She and I were the most alike and she was headstrong, to her credit, and we went at it over just about everything.

I love her so much, thank God she loves me back just as fiercely.

We talked last night for hours and I ate a lot of humble pie while she told me of memories she has of me being terrible, angry, stupid.

Yelling at her for being late in front of other moms and kids. Yep, I did that.

Well, goddamn.

I was a square peg in the round hole of suburban upper middle class mom land and I was not raised to be so high functioning.

I didn't have the natural grace, poise, belief, discipline, love for others, generosity of spirit, organizational skills.

I wasn't drinking or doing drugs.

I just had a feeling of being trapped, of being truthfully unable to be as NICE as the other people in that world.

Those people were very high functioning and they were NICE.

They weren't faking it either.

They loved their husbands and they loved their kids and they loved their lives and they were grateful.

Of course not all of them.

There were people doing a crazier worse job of it than me, for sure.

But I wanted to get it right, and, I could not.

So be it.

There, it's been said.

Remorse? Yes, for who I hurt and for bad memories in the minds of my children that I can't erase.

Regret? Yes. I humbly apologize to my family, my children and my ex husband, to anyone who ever witnessed me as a person they couldn't understand and didn't want to know.

Lessons learned? Okay, yeah...let's try to get this right....

One of the lessons from my family that had to be unlearned is that it is in fact not better to look good than to feel good.

To feel good, you have to do Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions.

That's the only gateway to Heaven On Earth.

I didn't know this, I didn't even understand what I was doing wrong, but you can't claim ignorance forever.

Having right thoughts is the first part, and it means being KIND and NICE even in your deepest personal thoughts...towards everyone and everything...get that straight....even people you don't agree with or whatever....NICE is NICE all the time....whew! Yeah it's a tall order.

I will end with this old hymn for the next few shows:

my life flows on in endless song

above Earth's lamentations

I hear the real though far off hymn

that sounds the new Creation

through all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing

it sounds an echo in my soul

how can I keep from singing

 

what though the tempest loudly roars

I hear the truth it liveth

what though the darkness round me close

songs in the night it giveth

no storm can shake my inmost calm

while to that rock I'm clinging

if Love is Lord of Heaven and Earth

how can I keep from singing

 

I lift my eyes the clouds grow thin

I see the blue above it

and day by day this pathway clears

since first I learned to love it

the peace of God restores my soul

a fountain ever springing

all things are mine 'cause I am loved

how can I keep from singing

how can I keep from singing

Comments

Courtney Yasmineh January 08, 2019 @05:56 pm
Thanks for your great quote Blake, and for reading with such insight.
Blake D. January 08, 2019 @02:44 pm
Profundity abounds...this is my favorite part by a wide margin—it's a killer observation, really... We were the descendants of fashion people and horse people.As far as I can see, those are two categories of people who go for the lifestyle one hundred percent and at times let the chips fall where they may. And on... NICE is NICE all the time....whew! Yeah it's a tall order.... "Clinched directives are a lot more deep and hard to actually do." —David Foster Wallace from "Infinite Jest"
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