Luck, Wisconsin proved to be lucky!

Luck, Wisconsin is a lucky place!

First of all, I was lucky to be invited to play a house concert at this charming cabin there for two wonderful hosts.

Second, there was a snowstorm the day before and morning of the show, but we still had nearly twenty people.

Most of the people had never heard me play live before and they didn't know what to expect to some degree.

I wanted them all to leave that night feeling like they had discovered a new favorite artist.

I felt it was a tall order at the beginning of the evening, almost insurmountable to tell them all about what's been happening and who I am and what I'm attempting to do with my one precious life I have left to live.

It was like I didn't know where to begin!

I played the first couple of songs saying that there was so much to say that I better just play songs for a while and let it start to unfold naturally.

That was a good plan, and soon enough into the first set I felt like everybody was pretty much on board.

During the break we all just kept the conversation going about which albums were about what and what the book was about and what it all meant.

They passed the hat for my pay and people were very generous.

I also sold quite a few albums and books and t shirts.

By the end of the night I felt that I had worked hard and done a good job.

Everyone was happy, from what I could see.

I drove home this morning with a great feeling.

Tonight I work on the grant proposal.

Tomorrow I go to my first screenwriting class!!!!

Wednesday I go to New Orleans.

Is this my life?

Gratitude and Love.

Humility, patience, kindness.

Big words, but the only answers.

Amen.

a new kind of performance tonight

I will be giving a new kind of me tonight to this audience.

I have internalized the stay-grateful-stay-humble mentality and it is changing the way I perform.

I dreamed last night that my beloved children went on a bus ride that took them to the home of a friend of mine who I rejected about ten years ago.

I decided to buy some Valentines and bring them..heart in hand..to the home of the friend where the bus had taken my children to visit her.

I came to the door.

My friend came to greet me and said that the children's father was there as well, with his new wife.

She said, "Come in if you can be happy and be glad for everyone, otherwise, we don't want any bad feelings here."

I walked back out the door and stood looking over the beautiful rolling hills of her property.

I stood alone on the doorstep, my own children happily enjoying the visit inside.

I looked out over the beautiful world and I didn't know if I could drop all my feelings of self pity.

I had my hands full of Valentines, and I had already arrived, but I couldn't walk through the door because I was roiling inside with all my old feelings.

(Look, it's my blog here and I'm blabbing away about myself and my dream, yes, but it's my blog.

Get your own blog and write about yourself if you don't like this.

Or go read a blog where the person writes exclusively in an outside of themselves sort of way.)

I'm going to contact that friend today, right after I finish this.

I'm going to tell her about the dream and beg her forgiveness for ruining our friendship.

I ruined our friendship because I told her that I was going to be poor and divorced and struggling and that she wouldn't like me any more, but mostly that I didn't like her for being.........yes.........a wealthy politically conservative and capitalistic thinker.

But I miss her anyway, even though our conflicting views have always been problematic.

I want to come to her house with Valentines in my hands.

This dream is also about the conference coming up though.

Ever since my father lost everything and disappeared, ever since I went to northern Minnesota and lived alone in the cabin, I've been a self-pitying outsider.

That is a losing game, I am here to tell you.

It puts you out the door of every party.

In my dream I am standing outside feeling my insides battling the desire to leave and be miserable with my pride and my self pity, or to walk through the door with a genuine smile on my face and get on with the joys of life.

Can I be happy for everybody?

For the record, I left the husband, he didn't leave me.

I am the creator of my life now.

I chose to pursue my dream in the face of all conventional wisdom.

Be happy for all of us or go home.

Be happy for everyone or leave.

Strong words.

Truth be told.

If you're going to be Ebenezer Scrooge, then just stay home.

If you're going to be the new improved Ebenezer, after the visits of the three spirits, then go to the party and have fun.

This is my story and it all hinges on staying grateful and staying humble.

Today I drive to Wisconsin and play my music for house full of listeners.

They don't want me to come there with the wrong attitude.

They're planning to have fun and to feel something, and to be lifted up.

The only way I'm going to help a whole room full of people make that happen is if I keep my head on straight and allow my heart to be pure.

This is getting to be a serious venture now.

I have asked for a lot.

When people say "be careful what you wish for" they're right.

As I say what I want to do, and as people take me up on it, I have to be all that my biography says I am and more.

I guess the best thing to remember is that I have been this person since I performed my first original song at age ten in my church.

Thats it.

Just be yourself.

That's what they always tell everyone.

How do you know who that is?

Just remember who that was when you were ten and you didn't even think about it.

Okay, I'm going to shovel snow and then load my car with guitars and the PA and my merchandise which includes the really groovy new t shirts.

See you tonight or see you soon.

 

 

paying for the new t shirts today

A great fan and friend and supporter gave me money for the new t shirts to be made.

I pick them up today!

They're the design of the header on this website, on a black t shirt!

I think they're going to be awesome!

But, the money she gave me is mostly gone.

I paid for the plane tickets and hostel bed deposit, for the conference in New Orleans, and the Facebook fundraiser money doesn't come to me for at least four more days, if not longer.

I'm going to get the t shirts and give them my credit card and it will be very close whether it goes through or not.

Fine.

One of my favorite artist clients sent me her donation on Apple pay so I have that to help me through right now as well.

I filled up my tank with gasoline yesterday in preparation of my drive to my house concert in Luck, Wisconsin tomorrow night.

Luck, Wisconsin.

We need Luck because there is a winter storm warning for the whole weekend in these parts and I want to play my show!

And I want to bring my new t shirts and my books and my albums and all my cool stuff to sell to these great new fans!

Praying!

In the meantime, I'm feeling so many feelings about getting to go to New Orleans.

The key words are.......

what are they, friends?........

Gratitude.

Humility.

Kindness.

Compassion.

Diligence.

Can I do these words consistently after pondering and preaching this stuff for a year or more now?

The conference will be a test for me.

I feel anxiety creeping in to my mind and my body each day as I'm mentally preparing for the trip.

I'm so glad that it's five days because I feel I'll have time to really get it, really get the whole thing and take it in.

An old quote from my Myers-Briggs personality test was "resist the urge to adapt and perform and instead try to be sincere."

I agree with this at all times.

The thing is that if you don't have an established code of personal principles to fall back on when you get stressed out, then this is much harder.

In the past I've fallen back on lame habits like isolationism, bitterness, anger, discouragement, aggressiveness.

Yuck!

So, when the situation isn't what you had anticipated or hoped for, what do you do?

Be nice, be grateful, count your blessings, help and encourage those around you, pitch in to make things better for everyone.

These are not skills my family taught me, but Life is teaching them to me.

I just received an email from my Luck, Wisconsin wonderful hosts saying that maybe I should drive up today.

I'm going to run around getting ready and see if I can get going today before the snow begins to fall!

Happy trails!

second post today

It's about ten in the evening here in freezing cold Minneapolis.

I have a lot on my mind.

One pressing thing is that Rob G read my blog post from this morning and told me that it made me seem ungrateful and self-absorbed.

I think he may well be correct.

My idea about this blog is to honor the truth in us all by not deleting the lousy stuff.

I'm not a saint.

And I think success or people counting on me sometimes brings out the worst in me.

I'm maybe the kind of person who needs to lose because when I win I turn into a jerk.

We shall see.

The important thing for me is to be honest about my true ugly thoughts and let the reader decide if this is good entertainment or illuminating reading or whatever, or just garbage.

You tell me.

You usually do.

I am counting on you.

Good night.

We did it!

Our forty-eight hour fundraiser is completed and as of this writing has gone into overtime with a total of just about $800 when the goal was $750.

That's good because, honestly, the goal is always a bit short of what's really needed.

You try going to New Orleans for five days including paying for the plane tickets, hotel, and all your expenses, for $750.

There are fees taken out by the Facebook service for collecting the money as well.

I tell you, there is no free lunch in this world......however........

the hostel where I've reserved my bunk for $38 a night DOES serve a FREE breakfast every morning.

At least I'll have that one meal every day.

I'm hoping somebody might actually want to buy me a glass of wine every now and then.

No Uber, no Lyft, just walk the beautiful warm weather mile every morning and evening from the hostel to the conference and back.

It's ten below zero here in Minneapolis this morning.

I'd walk all the way to the airport in New Orleans if it's going to be sixty degrees!

I also get to play a showcase performance on the Saturday night.

It'll be very late...like after midnight....but what do I care?

I'm ready for anything and everything!

I think it's providential that I did so much spiritual work...if you don't mind me calling it that...in December and early January.

I think it is preparing me for the New Orleans revisit.

Yes, revisit.

I made a music video in New Orleans a few years ago.

You can look it up, it's for my original song "Misfits And Losers".

It's very fun.

I went down there under some very strange mystical crossovers and I had some very positive and some slightly negative experiences as well.

I still had money from my divorce then and I thought I was on the road to success.

I was very uptight then.

I had to have everything under control.

And of course everything went out of control because I was trying so hard to keep control.

That was the trip that inspired the opening lines of my "High Priestess And The Renegade" album.

"Fortune teller down in New Orleans drew the tower card you know what that means

he said beware Doll you're bound to fall,

and ever since that day I been falling......"

Holy shit.

No truer words were ever spoken.

And now I'm returning to New Orleans.

In a bizarre upturning twist of fate.

This conference and the circumstances around it are an upturn.

My bratty song "Misfits And Losers" would not be written by this woman I am today, no way.

It's an ungrateful song.

It's funny but it's sort of mean spirited.

I repent.

I'm not going there this time as the rock goddess on duty.

I'm going there this time as a humble servant to the Holy Spirit.

Let's see if that makes a difference in how things go.

I'm guessing it will.

I want to add this morning that my mother is truly frightened about my going to this conference.

Granted, she's eighty-five.

But I see that she has always been afraid of me doing big things.

She loves that I got the scholarship for the screenwriting class here in St. Paul.

That's every Monday and I think I may miss the second meeting because my flight from New Orleans gets in late on Monday night.

She loves the class idea probably because I don't go anywhere and I sit at home and write the screenplay.

But this real stick-your-neck-out stuff of the conference scares her.

One thing I remember from my childhood is that I often was asked to sing solos and do performances, even at the cabin as a child, I was asked to bring my guitar to people's bonfire nights to sing for them.

She often told me I couldn't go.

Even if it was just walking distance from our place and she didn't even have to go with me, sometimes she would say things like, "Look at you, you're getting all puffed up with yourself. No. No, you should just stay home and read or something. They don't need my daughter to entertain them. They'll all be looking at you, getting your ego all pumped up. No, you're staying home."

She suuuuuuucked.

Oh my God I hated her so much when she would say stuff like that.

But, I just want to say, that her attitude has stayed with me.

I have a fear of successful attention like this.

I have a fear that I'll lose control of my ego and become a monster.

That's what she's afraid of about me.

But, you know people, I'm gonna be sixty years old.

If I can't keep it together now, what is the point of living?

I have to trust myself.

I have to believe I can do humble and kind from morning 'til night, sleeping in the upper or the lower bunk in a room with three other women I have never met before.

I have to believe that I can go to the conference and immerse myself in the opportunities with joy and humility and meet people and learn.

You can't bring your mean spirited jealous ugly crap to something like this.

There's no room for, "oh she's better than me, oh she's younger than me, oh she's prettier than me....."

There's no room for, "oh he thinks he's so great and he's being dismissive of me and now I just want to go back to the hostel and lay in my bunk and read and not go to the rest of the events...."

There's no room for, "I shouldn't have come here, I don't fit in, I don't know anyone, nobody wants to talk to me...."

Oh man!

I know all these lines!

How do I know them?

I have been this person so many times in so many scenarios.

But I have been lifted up on the wings of my supporters who believe in my goodness and my positive spirit and I cannot sink to these low feelings ever again.

The Holy Spirit will accompany me.

And I will remain humble and kind and I will believe in myself and I will be glad.

All things are mine for I am loved, how can I keep from singing.

I approve of myself.

I approve of myself.

And also, I accept every single person one hundred percent.

Because the Holy Spirit is the Holy Spirit and you gotta serve somebody.

Amen.

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