songwriting please god let's just get back to the songwriting

All I want right now is for everybody to get back in their own lane...happily...with healthy visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads...and let me get back on my fairy leaf and ride the creek like I like to do.

I have all my new songs brewing like loose tea in those paper bags you fill yourself.

Each song is a combination of delightful herbs and flower petals steeping somewhere in the ceramic mugs of my subconscious, yep I just wrote that. That's what you call a metaphor of the loosest kind...roughly drawn...slightly lame...also slightly good.

Fuck, man, it's been a rough few weeks.

I can make any goddamn metaphor I want.

I keep it together in life. I always have, I always do.

I have never smoked a cigarette or tried marijuana in my whole life.

Not anything to brag about, sort of uncool, but the truth.

I use coffee and wine, almost daily, but in very humble quantities.

I used to wonder if I'd get really fat when I got older because maybe I couldn't trust myself to eat sensibly, but that never happened either.

I'm not bragging, I'm just saying.

I realize that I sort of can relate to what it feels like to go too far, and I have gone too far, in several ways several times in my life, but, I don't know, for the most part I'm not well versed in addiction.

I also think being clueless of other peoples' addiction struggles is not helpful to the addicts in your life.

I am humbled by how not helpful I am to my struggling child right now.

But, I have love, true unconditional love, and that's a big gift in and of itself.

That's what I'm offering, that's the rock on which I stand this morning.

IN THE MEANTIME:

I gotta write me some songs.

These new songs are necessary to my survival as an artist, as a person.

I can't sing the same set of material I've been singing for two years now any more.

It just isn't representative of this bend in the creek for me.

It's got the past all wrapped up real nice, but it don't have no present tense.

And it doesn't have the vision for the future that I currently have honed in my head.

Come on new songs, I'm waiting on you.

Make your presence known.

Come to me like the ghosts in the night for Ebenezer Scrooge.

Haunt me with your visions.

I see you, I hear you, but by the time I'm awake, you'e gone, an apparition of the bed clothes, an undigested bit of beef from last night's late lonely supper.

Come on spirits of the songwriting netherworld, bless me with your bounty.

I'm ready for you.

I am endeavoring to write song lyrics every morning before I write this blog, to catch the ideas like dreams in a little woven dreamcatcher hung over my bed with feathers and beads.

I will catch the songs for you and for me.

this blog

This blog is a life line sometimes and a hassle other times, but my Google analytics report is saying that over a thousand people read it per month, or at least stare at the open blog page for over two and a half minutes, each month.

Some fans have told me at shows that they like to read it and are curious about it.

I'm doing it.

It's been over a year now of just about every single day.

At times, like now, it's hard to walk the line because my personal life is bigger than my music life right now.

Usually I like to keep my personal life on a quiet even keel so that my music life, and general artist life, can bloom.

Right now the personal has taken the front seat, even the driver's seat, and I'm in the passenger seat digging my fingernails into the dashboard.

That's okay, shit happens.

Hopefully the rest of this week, and month, and year, and life, can get back to calm floating down the beautiful little creek that is my daily life, me on a leaf, fanning my little fragile fairy wings as they sparkle in the sunlight.

Fairy wings for all.

Love all around.

See you, ideally, this Thursday in my beloved old town of Wayzata, 6-9pm at the 925 bar in The Landing Hotel on the main street.

I'm playing with Rob G and it'll be sweet.

in real life

In real life I'm a mother of three children in their twenties.

In real life I've been taking care of my little dog plus two more dogs for the past month.

In real life one of my children has been working on self improvement and needed her dogs cared for and I was the number one candidate and the only candidate.

In real life two of my three children are now staying with me...at Rob Genadek's house...and the three dogs...and most nights Rob himself is staying at his studio...because there really isn't room for Rob in Rob's house.

In real life there is little room for songwriting.

In real life there are three dogs wrestling loudly at six a. m. in the room where I sleep while I'm writing this.

In real life the two visiting dogs and one of the visiting humans leaves soon....to go back to Denver...possibly tomorrow....where the human still has her job and her apartment...thank God.

In real life the other daughter leaves for Los Angeles later this week to visit my son.

In real life, later this week, I will have four days to write songs on my guitar which usually entails a lot of crying and singing nonsense at the top of my lungs on my guitar.

In real life I'm proud of how helpful I can be and of how people turn to me for help.

In real life it's all going to be okay.

In real life I am grateful for every chance to love and learn.

 

growing pains

Growing pains are inevitable if your dream is big enough.

My dream is big.

So last night I said good bye to a place and a time that are no longer mine.

Did I ever fit in at the old Underground Music Cafe?

Yeah, I did, or I stood out, or a little of both.

But I had a lot of fun and I learned a lot.

There is nothing left for me to learn there.

Last night I felt like I was being pushed on, propelled onward.

Nobody's fault.

Nothing to be done but accept that the path I'm on is leading me somewhere new.

I have a show tomorrow in a whole new atmosphere, close to Nature, on a patio by a river, where they say the wild deer come by to have a listen.

I feel supported and that is what I'm looking for now.

Before I was looking for a safe haven, a place to hide out and work on myself.

Now I'm looking for places where I can meet new fans, places where I can receive good compensation for my gift and my work.

I am learning, I have learned.

I see my worth, currently, and my potential worth, as I continue to develop my full potential.

I see a beautiful shining future.

If you can hold it in your head you can hold it in your hand.

I'm doing it.

Love to you.

Think a lot about your dreams.

Think about them every day.

today 5-6:30 solo show and a personal celebration

Today I play at the place I used to play, that used to be called the "Underground Music Cafe". Now it's called the "Eggroll Queen" because the new owners have an egg roll food truck business.

Whatever.

The thing about it for me is that I played there once a week at the same time every week for a few years, when I wasn't on tour.

Since they had music every evening until late at night, nobody minded that I had an early spot once a week. It was nice for me to be able to tell people that I was there every week so they could drop in whenever they had time.

But the new owners only have music Thursday to Sunday and they close earlier too.

So there are only a few coveted spots for the musicians to take the stage.

The owners don't pay the musicians, the musicians collect tips and ....some of them...sell merchandise.

When the owners started telling me I wasn't going to be able to play every week at the same time any more, they pointed out that I wasn't filling the room with customers.

I usually had a handful of real fans and also another handful or sometimes two of onlookers coming for dinner.

Sometimes I only had one or two fans and the rest of the seats were empty.

I was okay with this for a long time.

I told myself that I didn't have a strong fanbase in the Twin Cities because I'd moved around, and I had never concentrated my efforts on building a following in any one place.

I thought it was a good thing to go back to square one and try to start a real career from the ground up in Minneapolis, where I was living.

I was happy to play a show every week that didn't have to be a big deal, that could be sort of under the radar.

I was trying to get better at playing solo, trying to get better at playing longer performances.

I think my time paid off.

I gained a good reputation I think.

I've heard it said that what other people think of you is none of your business, but in music, it sort of is your business.

So I endeavor to improve and bring to people some beautiful shining joy that I can see on the inside of my mind.

I try to bring that forth for them to see it too and be warmed by it.

When I'm singing well and the song is right, the shining light of joy and redemption is bright between the listener and myself and we both know it, we both see it.

 

Now, my times are a changing.

I want to play for an establishment that is proud to have me there, who is generous and uplifting and sees that I am giving my best.

I want the places where I play to proudly announce that I'm playing and encourage people to come for my show.

I want to walk in with my guitars and my equipment and feel that I've come to the right place, a place where I am being welcomed with open arms, with anticipation of my being able to deliver an excellent performance for them.

I see beautiful promise in my stage show.

I see integrity in my work and in my effort.

I see that it's up to me to envision excellent conditions for my creativity, for my music.

I have something of value now and I love it.

I want the people I play for to love it too.

I don't have any more dates booked at the place I'm playing tonight.

I see this as a celebration tonight.

I will celebrate what I've accomplished.

I will stand and sing and congratulate myself for coming a long way on that very stage.

I remember the first time I played there.

I hated what I was wearing. I hated the way my voice sounded. I hated the way I was perspiring so much because I was so nervous. I hated that I had to keep my eyes closed the whole time I was singing so I couldn't see the faces of the three or four people who were listening to me, I didn't want to see what they thought of me. I had my eyes closed and I bumped the microphone with my teeth, I played wrong chords, I forgot some of the words, I sang too loudly, I played too loudly. "Fear is my enemy, money is my rival..." was my brand new song, and it was one hundred percent true then.

Oh my God how far I have come in a few years' time.

I will celebrate tonight that I have learned a new level of hard won comfort and joy.

If you can make it, try to come.

 

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