Nothing to prove and Everything to do

 

I mentor other artists.

They pay me and I use the money to survive.

Some of them I see once a month, others I see once a week.

All of them are brilliant and beautiful.

Male, female, young, old.

They are all in search of their own dream.

They are all pursuing their own excellence.

Yesterday, after a month on the road playing my shows in Europe, I was back to sitting in Rob's living room being a mentor.

I felt so grateful. Gratitude was coursing through my veins.

Too much information:

I desperately need the money because as usual my health insurance monthly payment of $440 is overdue.

If I lose my health insurance I won't be able to get the asthma medicine I use every day. If my asthma gets bad I can't sing. 

But in a way that is beyond the worldly necessities, these mentoring sessions sustain me. 

I am able to see what I know and what I believe in by having to show it to them.

I am able to recall and revel in my favorite lessons and stories when I talk with them.

Yesterday I watched a young female artist perform a new song.

First as a guitar and singing piece and second as an interpretive dance, she performed in Rob's little living room!

Her dancing reminded me of when Lorde danced to her own song and didn't sing...was that last year at the VMAs or something?

Anyway, it was cool.

I felt awesome sitting there being the witness to this girl's creative outpouring.

I felt like all was right with the world.

Later in the afternoon a female artist who is closer to my own age came to share with me her newly written stories and songs and to report in about her experiences going to a series of open mics and also playing some shows in other parts of the Midwest, all while I was on tour.

She usually stays a couple of hours and I charge her for two hours.

Yesterday she arrived at 1pm and the next thing I knew she had just left and I went into the kitchen to make myself some dinner and it was 6pm.

I charged her for her usual two hours.

That was fair because the hours we spent held great benefit for me as well.

We got on a captivating subject of what emotions hold you back from DOING what you want to do.

I talked about hating people for not believing in me or respecting what I am or what I do.

I said that I don't want to write to people at record labels right now even though I have been advised that I should.

I said that I will hate writing to them.

She said that she feels things differently. She feels fear or discouragement but she doesn't hate like I do.

We talked about parents who don't believe in their children.

We talked about artists feeling like they have something to prove.

She said that people who have something to prove are the hardest people to be around because they act from a place that makes them do inauthentic things.

My brain started lighting up as she spoke.

I felt images flash in my brain.

                                    My brain was saying, "Yes! I know this!

                                                                     I have been this way!

                                                                     Something to prove!

                                                                     Yes!

                                                                     Always!

                                                                     And hatred!

                                                                     Hatred for the people who don't believe in my potential!"

I fucking hate people who don't believe that I can achieve what I want to achieve.

Well, honestly, that's not that many people, not as many as my hatred imagines.

Most of the people on the planet Earth, if I went up to them and said that I want to be a great artist,

they would just say, "Good for you, go for it, knock yourself out!"

They would not say, "What? That's ridiculous! Who do you think you are?"

They would not say that.

Looking at this more closely, there are only a handful of people who might respond to me that way.

These people might be anyone who knows me well and holds some kind of bitterness or envy in their heart that is connected with me.

There probably are a few people who would have a reaction of disgust or eye rolling.

The beauty of my discussion yesterday with the artist I mentor is that I saw the tiny effect of a few people rolling their eyes in my life.

A few people rolling their eyes is nothing.

I have taken that and magnified it many times.

I have felt that the whole world is rolling it's eyes at my new recordings or my new book or my new tour.

My brain responds with hatred.

"Yeah, well you can all go suck it! I don't give a shit what you all think!"

Then I get on stage angry.

Then I play angry guitar in my bedroom, writing angry songs.

Then I hate the people I'm with in social situations.

Then I stay home and hang out with my dog a lot.

I can't bear to have anyone not believe like I do in the vision I have for my maximum potential.

Well, I saw an interview with Bob Dylan when he was older but not as old as he is now, where he says that you can't tell people the vision you have for yourself because they will invariably shoot it down. He said he didn't know why but they just always do.

So I believe in the artists I mentor because I know that their ability to achieve their potential is one hundred percent attached to the amount of belief in themselves they are able to sustain on a daily basis.

I am not that great at sustaining my own belief in myself on a daily basis.

Hatred sidetracks me. Discouragement brings me down. 

The artists I mentor lift me back up because I know what's right and I have to show it to them.

The artists I work with make me a better person and they make me a better artist.

I achieve loving positive conviction in the presence of their belief in me.

Hatred dissolves.

There is no place for it.

Hatred at the non-believers is Don Quixote flailing his sword at the imagined enemy that was the windmill.

Lay down the unnecessary sword, My Soul.

Walk forward with no weapon.

Scatter the seeds of the Lupines along the roadsides.

Sing the songs with love and joy.

Feel the hand of God on your shoulder as you sing at the shore of the shining water the songs that the spirit has given you.

No artifice is necessary.

No determination is necessary.

Nothing must be proven.

Stand in your moccasins and sing, Child of God.

Dance with the joy and abandon of the gift of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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