it ain't all sunshine and roses

Well, sorry to say, it ain't all sunshine and roses in Courtney Yasmineh Land this morning.

I did a good job at the Mini Cooper show last night I think, and so did Rob G, but it was a bit difficult to judge because people just sort of milled about having the drinks and the food, which was all spectacular, and looking at the cars which was great, but not flocking around us listening to the music, but it was a car dealership and we were hired as an extra ambiance thing not as a concert, so whatever I guess, but it was really hard to feel it out and understand if I should have tried to engage the people more. I didn't talk, I just played songs. Rob kept turning my mic and my guitar down on the sound system because he thought I needed to be careful to not draw too much attention to myself because the staff had already told me that they wanted it to stay pretty quiet until maybe the very end when they said they hoped we might even get people dancing. I don't know, maybe we could have been more aggressive, maybe it was better to follow Rob's judgement because he is more conservative and probably more impartial in his perspective. Either way, I got mad at Rob for turning me down and we sort of got into a bad place of band power struggle which is bad for the music bad for the evening bad for our relationship all bad. For a bit of the most attendance of the whole evening Rob got off stage and I played solo. I think maybe no one noticed but me. Maybe the owners noticed and thought, "What the hell are they doing? They should be stepping it up right now?" Rob rejoined me on stage and we played a bunch of fun songs like Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree, and my song Hey Lulu, and more. And that was great. Near the end I played the Leonard Cohen Hallelujah and Oh Holy Night, and they went well but I mean it's not like people were all clasping hands and basking in the beauty of the moment. They were just enjoying themselves and milling about. But I added to this all the other weird artist doubts: I should have worn something else (I wore the silver sequins but maybe I should have worn the black leather), I should have been much much more humble and respectful and reverent towards Rob and truthfully towards the car dealers who I kept joking around with off stage about how I really want the light blue car they have out on the lot...I don't think they think that's funny to joke about wanting them to give me a car...oh my God, so much wrong, where was my head at? 

How do you move forward from remorse?

How do you focus on what matters in life and not turn into a shallow self obsessed jerk?

Remember the values of what you love, what is worth loving, what helps the world, what brings up the love in the world.

Today I focus on forgiving myself for an evening of foolish giddy misguided pride and energy. I already apologized to Rob.

I don't think an apology to the car people is necessary. I left there last night on good terms and with positivity all around.

One of the mechanics bought a copy of my Sidney book and a copy of High Priestess And The Renegade. He said it was a great show.

I am sticking with that.

This blog post is intentionally meant to keep this blog honest and truthful, expressing the trials and tribulations of my efforts as a full time artist. In this case, money was my friend because we were being paid my solid asking rate and I felt very honored in that regard. In fact I think some of the issue for me, in all transparency, is that when I'm getting paid my full rate I feel that there is no room for error or anything less than absolute perfection and I want to be sure the people paying me feel that they got their money's worth.  Possibly this too contributed to my less than ideal conduct and actions and words and thoughts last night.

So, a lot to process, and maybe the best thing is to go out and shovel the newly fallen snow.

Have a great day.

Clear your mind, free your soul.

Life is too short to be little as my grandfather always said.

Amen.

this is what I wore last night in case you are wondering "hmmm, what did she wear?"

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