fight off the bad thoughts

I played my show last night, straight through, two hours with only a five minute break at most.

That's the way I like it right now because I have so many songs I want to sing and there's never enough time for them all.

I didn't feel that great though at the beginning.

My mind was not on the songs.

My mind was on my ego: well, this is who you are now, a woman playing guitar and singing in a dumpy little cafe in Minnesota, night after night, getting nowhere and everyone sees it and everyone knows it. 

I thought those thoughts so much that when some people I knew came in, early on in my set, I felt ashamed of what I was doing, playing to ten people in a little cafe on a freezing cold night.

Okay, snap out of it.

The ten people were there each for their own reasons but I could not let them down, and I didn't.

I fought those stupid thoughts and I crushed them.

This is my path!

I am on it doing my best!

These people are here with me.

Our paths are intersecting at this one moment.

They want to hear good live music and I am the only person who can provide it right here right now in this space.

I crushed the bad thoughts and they pretty much disappeared.

The songs are too good for that crap to drown the words and melodies out in my mind.

When those thoughts are present and they're winning, I make mistakes, forget the words, forget what verse I'm on.

The beautiful music cannot coexist in a mind poisoned by bitterness or entitlement.

When I banish all negative thoughts, the words and the melodies are able to blossom, and they become undeniable messages of love to any human in earshot.

Your mind is a garden friends.

Make sure you allow the tender thoughts and visions to have room to flourish.

I succeeded last night and eventually there were more people too and it was a very good night all in all.

Happy Sunday to you.

 

Comments

Courtney Yasmineh January 21, 2019 @06:17 am
Thank you David for these supportive words. Your donation as "blog subscription" for $20 to my paypal account was a godsend and also a very nice concept. Thank you. I do hope to see you at a live show soon. I have several shows this week and next including a private house concert 7pm this Saturday night...seats are still available if you email me cy@courtneyyasmineh.com it's a great small crowd and a great place to see my full length concert style performance. Any fans are welcome.
David Enge January 20, 2019 @05:39 pm
And a Happy Sunday to you as well Courtney, This was a good read...helped me understand a few things. A few years back, a very accomplished singer/songwriter based in Nashville came through town to play in a local coffee shop where I had seen him twice before, in front of 30-40 very appreciative fans.This time around, believe it or not, by the time he was ready to take the stage, I was the only one there, and it was a Friday night. We chatted for about 15 minutes. (we are not friends) I told him I had been a part of some small crowds before, but never the only one. As you might imagine, he was more than a little down. The other night, to see Dan, who I hold in high regard (we are not friends either) perform for such a small crowd broke my heart a little. Enough with the anecdotes. Am I making any sense? I'm simply trying to say how important it is to me that people like you get to keep doing what you do, and how saddened and sometimes angry I am about how difficult it often seems be. And I say that as someone new to your body of work, who has yet to see you perform live. (that will happen sometime soon...I was glad to hear about the Underground residency) And the printed word is important too, so I'll be hitting your paypal again, this time for the blog. Carry on, and thanks again. D-
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