dreams and reality

So many wonderful dreams lately.

I dreamed that I was living in a lovely old Victorian house and there was a window that looked out to a little side porch.  

Snow was falling and all through the day lovely cheery friends and strangers were dropping little notes on a small table on the porch.

The people had hand written all these little notes saying how much they appreciated my music and my writing.

Ha!

Isn't that delightful?

Last night I dreamt that a tour was being planned and everyone, all my favrite fans and friends were all coming along on the whole tour.

We got on a large airplane and everyone knew that everyone was on board for my tour.

I looked around and told myself that this was all about me and I felt the responsibility but also the joy of it.

Okay, so, those are my weird dreams lately.....

I am fully aware of just exactly how self absorbed that is.

But you have to understand that all my life my dreams have been scary.

Scary dreams of everything bad happening.

The roof caving in on the house, the children stranded on loose boards because the floor of our house was falling through.

Bad dreams were all my life my specialty.

So don't judge.

Who cares if the new dreams are all about me getting what I've always wanted?

They're inclusive and they're appreciative of my fans.

How nice is that?

So meanwhile in real life, my not playing shows this past six weeks has taken it's toll on my precarious financial situation.

What I've been doing is treading water after a couple rough years of living on credit cards.

The two credit cards kept extending my line of credit and I kept spending, believing that my work would start to turn the corner.

My work is turning the corner but it's taking so much time.

It has never been my intention to eek out a salary that is below poverty level by being an artist for the rest of my life.

My idea was to raise my acclaim and build on my good name.

Well, my name was tarnished by my ambition and unscrupulous pushy desperation.

And my credit cards maxed out eventually.

Now I pay the minimum monthly payments and then use that money again to survive on for the month.

The interest is charged each month and I'm right back to maxed out.

I live at Rob's house and Nina my daughter is here working at being and independent artist as well.

We give Rob the beauty and joy of a happy household and we pay all the utilities every month.

But I need something big to change my debt situation.

And my only prospects for something big happening in my life is to keep making original art in hopes that I'm getting closer to making something that the world can truly love.

And if I do, then the money will come.

In the meantime, because I have taken a new stand on not playing every lousy little show three or four nights a week and burning out my own soul, and because I got in trouble with a ticket for talking while driving and a fine from a German rental car company that I think was unfair but whatever, now I'm in zero money land again.

I have a very nice house concert next Saturday.

I have a client this week on Monday.

I signed up three months ago to get my hair cut by my favorite stylist who only comes to Minneapolis a couple times a year.

The haircut is tomorrow.

It's $100 because she's the best.

I've been cutting my own hair for two years now.

I wanted to do this.

Now I feel it would be poor integrity to cancel.

There must be a way.

I have sold many of my clothes recently, as I've written here.

I don't want to get to the point where I'm actually selling the things I love best.

And I don't want to sell guitars.

I have been advertising for more artist consultation clients and I have a new client starting in February.

I don't know.

Feel free to say what you think.

Oh!

And in the meantime I got a full scholarship to take a very promising screenwriting course!

It's for eight weeks starting January 20th.

The instructor is a Black man who is very accomplished.

I can't wait.

I'm sure his perspectives and insights will be refreshing and stimulating for me.

And the class is for only ten people so it'll be great!!!!

I will survive and the year 2020 will hold more mysterious miracles.

The Universe will rise up to co-conspire with you if your heart is in the right place.

I know this to be true.

Have faith and all will blossom.

All things are mine for I am loved, how can I keep from singing!

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