disappointment haunted all my dreams

"disappointment haunted all my dreams" is a line from a song I loved as a child..."I'm A Believer" was a Monkees song before it was a Smashmouth Shrek song and I love it both ways.

But that line "disappointment haunted all my dreams" came to me this morning and I decided to update my friends and fans with this post.

I had decided not to post anything here during this upcoming Europe tour because I thought it would just be too hard to keep up with it.

We leave tomorrow morning, and now I'm thinking I don't want to live without this daily connection to the people who care about me.

It's weird to think of this blog that way because it's on my own website, in like my tiny tiny corner of the world wide web, and most people don't give me feedback...as you can see from the absence of comments for the most part....but I do actually get a lot of feedback about this blog in everyday life. People say to my face quite often that they love my blog.

During a recent live radio interview the DJ told me on the air that he loves my blog and that he thinks the writing form is very poetic and creative.

All of this might be enough reason to not take a break, but then something unforeseen happened two nights ago and I realized that this blog is "who" I turn to now. I seek solace by writing in this blog.

So, here we go.

Disappointment struck late afternoon Monday.

Rob was finishing the mixes for my new cover tunes album.

We were all set to begin hand burning them.

We were both thinking that these recordings, with the help of our friend and colleague Jon James, had turned out to be really special.

Rob's computer system crashed Monday afternoon.

The rest of the night until the next morning he worked trying everything to retrieve the files.

Believe it or not, of the several projects he had been finishing up before the tour, mine was the only one he couldn't save.

My recordings are gone.

I waited all day yesterday thinking he would miraculously find a solution.

I called him yesterday afternoon and he said the hard drive is being sent to an expert in LA who can sometimes retrieve files from a damaged hard drive. This will take about a month. And if they are able to retrieve the files they charge $500. If they can't, they charge nothing.

Rob is a very serious professional music producer.

He has never lost anybody's recordings completely like this in thirty years.

I've made eight albums and countless demos with Rob and nothing has ever been lost.

I rode my bicycle to Uptown Minneapolis yesterday.

I took the long way, two hours of riding each direction.

I was planning to be burning and packaging my beautiful new recordings for fans in Europe.

I rode to my favorite restaurant in the Twin Cities.

I broke my vows of frugality and I got myself a glass of cava and the Salade Nicoise. And the pomme frites.

I sat at an outdoor table alone in stunned silence.

I called Rob at his studio once more and said, "Are you absolutely sure that nothing can be done?"

He said he was very very sorry.

I said I knew it wasn't his fault.

I asked him about the other projects he had been working on.

He said all of them had been saved elsewhere or had been sent out in various states of mixing to the clients.

I had never asked for Rob to send me mixes because it was such a tight schedule we were on and it was all turning out so beautifully I didn't have any reason to do second listens by myself.

Those recordings were great.

Bloody hell.

Can I sing them again? Yes.

Can we start over fairly easily? Yes.

Can we possibly get the files back from the expert's efforts in LA? Possibly.

So, it's all fine, really.

Do I have my new little books, plus a whole box of my novels, plus cds of six of my eight albums, plus my red vinyl records all to sell on this tour? Yes.

Everything is fine.

But also, there's a strange silence around this sudden death of a project.

It's as if a sudden vacuum has been created where there was movement and noise and excitement.

Now there is just silence.

I sat at my favorite outdoor table at my favorite french style cafe yesterday and I contemplated the silence.

I thought of how my mother always says that God's timing is perfect.

I thought about the one time I ever considered having an abortion....how, that morning when I decided to go to the abortion clinic for a consultation appointment I had made, how the road was closed that morning, and how I couldn't find my driver's license, and how suddenly the engine light started flashing on my dashboard, how the traffic lights were out and just kept flashing red when I got near the clinic. I never went in that day. I obeyed the signs. I always obey the signs. I miscarried that very early and unwanted pregnancy soon after and I got down on my knees and thanked God. I believe I was given a reprieve because I obeyed.

You can think I'm crazy if you want, but this is how I've lived my life.

So, these recordings.

What will happen?

They will be retrieved while we're on tour and we will have them again by end of August....or.......we will start over on this project in September.

But what will I have gained? I will have a new appreciation of the project either way because it was taken away from me.

I will have a heightened sense of how precious these efforts are..to me.

I will have another chance to decide how to share these recordings with the world.

Maybe bringing them out on tour the way I was going to wasn't the best way to present them anyway.

Maybe they deserve something more.

We shall see.

I will obey.

I must.

I have no choice but to be gracious and resilient in the face of God's will...or the random acts of Fate...whichever you prefer to call it.

I am not in control.


Jeff Parkman August 03, 2018 @01:32 pm
Wow. What a strange twist of fate. Sorry for your sense of loss and disappointment but thanks for sharing your admirable and strong process of working through it. Wishing you and Rob a great tour in Europe. Your CD will emerge one way or the other and I look forward to hearing it. Maybe you should start doing Seven Times as Lucky to give yourself a boost :-). Take care and have fun. Jeff Parkman
Jennifer Volkman, adoring fan August 03, 2018 @10:55 am
Should have left my FB comment here: I like how you process things and put them to paper. Maybe you've always been this contemplative, maybe you are still growing and learning new ways to react to the fates. I think every day about how I can be better and let go of what isn't under my control. It's a damn struggle, ain't it?! I'd probably cry and move on, but I appreciate that you wrote down your thoughts for others to contemplate. This morning the dog jumped on the couch and spilled a cup of coffee+cream all over me, the couch, the pillow. This was step 3 out of probably 6 in her process to ultimately destroy my couch. It was a surprise and it burned and I didn't even holler at her. I feel good about that much today. Cheers and can't wait to hear the songs!
Ralph Dacut August 01, 2018 @09:55 pm
Wow Courtney, this was a really good post, albeit painful for you I’m sure. As I was reading through it and the part of you sitting in stunned silence at Barbette’s, I thought about the words and lyrics from The Sounds Of Silence. So, I looked up the lyrics and thought,maybe, this might be a God-sign for you or if nothing else, an encouragement and Light in the midst of the dark, bewildering moment you and crisis you and Rob experienced - “Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence” The Vision that was planted in your brain, and soul, for this project definitely still remains, and I for one am convinced that that Vision will be of even greater Light when it comes into full fruition. Hold on to that. Remember the word of this old Proverb, “Hope deferred makes the Heart sick; But, when the desire is fulfilled, it is a Tree of Life” Looking forward to tasting the fruit of this Tree of Life God is creating in, and soon to be through, you. Blessings Court
Esa Everroad August 01, 2018 @02:15 pm
I'm so sorry dear girl! I have faith for better things for you on the next round of recording of those same songs! Have a great tour and I'll read you when you get home. Esa
M. August 01, 2018 @08:51 am
Everything will work out perfectly ! Thanks for sharing. Have save travels! See you soon ;-)
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