a lot to learn

I have had a lot to learn.

My mean Mom used to always say, and sometimes still says to me, "Boy, you've sure got a lot to learn."

My mom isn't as mean as she used to be, but that could be in part because I don't have as much to learn as I used to...haha!

Probably true.

I had a lot to learn about feeling ashamed about my Dad and what he did and what happened to him.

Before he lost everything and disappeared, my Dad went around acting like he was a big shot, "a showboat" as my mother used to say about him.

She used to tell him he had a lot to learn too. He did.

Also my Mom said often to me that I was just like my father, which meant that I was an arrogant self centered good time charlie showboat of a person.

I did a lot of bad things in my teens and twenties and thirties and forties. Not drugs and crime type things, just poor conduct, poor treatment of others kinds of things.

I was a good mother, thank God. I mustered everything I knew about being a good person and focused it all on my children.

I still made a lot of mistakes, but my kids and I are all very close, so again, thank God for that.

Before I could learn any lesson I first have had to identify what the fear is.

So, the fear of being a bad person who would in the end cause my own ruin and demise has been a real part of my life.

Also the fear, or presumption, that people wouldn't like me because of my shameful family history has hung around me like a shroud.

I have been angry at people, feeling misunderstood or not understood.

I have felt isolated.

I have felt embarrassed about my conduct, unable to control my actions, acting in ways I regret, out of resentment, anger, bitterness.

In some moments I have said too little, unsure of how to act.

In some moments I have said way too much, determined to show people who I am, what power I've got under the hood.

All this leads to shame and a guilty conscience and a lousy feeling you just can't shake.

Sometimes I think these are some of the ways people get depressed.

Trapped in your own way of thinking and relating that ain't working for nobody least of all yourself.

I am rising above this shit now.

I am rising above it but keeping my feelings and my expectations and my desires straight, like straight out from my heart, not up too high, not down too low, just straight out from my heart to the hearts of others.

My Dad died before I ever got back to him.

I will say to him today if he's listening, "Dad, I loved you. I love you still. You were a bad ass boss of a guy. I learned a lot from you, good and bad. I'm sorry we all turned on you. I'm sorry we never got back together. I'm gonna make it up to you the rest of my life. I'm gonna play your favorite music and I'm gonna do what you never were able to do. I'm gonna be a happy successful person. And I'm gonna always wear cool shoes like you did Dad."

   

Comments

Jeff Parkman June 13, 2018 @09:46 pm
That's some brave honesty which I admire. You are quite the interesting person. Thanks for sharing. Good luck on Nicollet tomorrow.
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